Another consideration is what's called the "second arrow" effect. The first arrow is your "bad" behavior. The second arrow is how you punish yourself for launching the first arrow. For example, I have an adult client who is working on a rape trauma. Most of us might assume that the act of the rape was the worst part for her, but in fact that was not the worst part... for her. The worst part for her was that she froze during the rape... she did not fight back. This action went completely against how she thought of herself (e.g., strong, confident). She had always assumed that in a situation like that she would fight to the finish. Well- surprise! She then proceeded to punish herself for the next 20 years because she acted "badly." Punishing herself often included punishing those around her. I had to explain to her that in times of crisis our body is highjacked by our brain, which decides to fight, flee or freeze. And, as much as you may not like it, you don't have any control over these reactions (not unless you had many instances to practice alternative responses as, for example, soldiers and police officers do).


I believe this is a good analogy of what it is like living with a traumatized child. How you thought you might feel and behave and the actual way that you feel and behave are often incongruent. I never imagined in a million years that I would not love one of my children. Furthermore, feeling bad for feeling bad about it only made it worse (the second arrow). But I only started healing from the immense disappointment, rejection, and threat to my identity, when I realized it was not a trait in me but rather a logical outcome of the relationship. I then had to identify alternative ways of viewing the relationship and my "role" in it. If my role is "mom" I will feel mad and hurt. If my role is "neighbor mom" or "group home leader" I can escape much of the negative feelings I have for this child; my identity as "mom" stays safe and protected. Now a therapist might be thinking "How terrible. Your child will know you don't love him and you don't think of him as your child. He will not work to get healthy or to be a member of your family." There are so many things wrong with these statements I hardly know where to begin. But first and foremost it is not terrible, (because) for many children it will be a relief. And at any rate, it is a natural outcome of the relationship - it makes sense and the child on some level knows this. If we are to ever have a parent-child relationship it can not begin on false feelings or pretense. False feelings and pretense will make you feel nuts, and then watch out for the second arrow!

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