Before I understood about attachment issues, I more-or-less subscribed to the “blank slate” line of thinking. I would never have believed the degree of impact the external world and the birth mom’s MENTAL state could have on the developing fetus. It isn’t rocket science to understand the impact of chemicals/alcohol/drugs on a developing fetus, but mom’s state of mind? Or the conversations occurring in the environment? Come ON! I once had the privilege of listening to Thomas Verny, M.D., author of The Secret Life of the Unborn Child, speak at a conference. Never have I seen a man speak of a woman’s womb with such reverence! He showed an Italian commercial that was amazing. It depicted a 6 month old fetus, in utero, sucking his thumb. All of the sudden a torrent of Italian--punctuated by yelling and screaming--erupts, and the baby jerks his head back in a startle response. The audience didn’t need to understand one word of Italian to be able to understand what just occurred. When the yelling stops, the baby again starts sucking his thumb… only to startle again moments later when the yelling resumed. It was something I will never forget. How much more damage occurs when there is physical violence as well? I know of a child born 3 months early with bruises all over his body… the result of dad beating mom (and baby) and inducing labor. That child entered the world with the realization that it was NOT a safe place already!

Very early in the history of the Attachment Disorder Network (ADN) I had a mom call me and ask if I had a support group for kids with Oppositional Defiant Disorder? I told her “no”, but added that I believe that ODD is usually a label of symptoms, and that something must be happening to make a child ODD. I happen to believe that "something" is often poor attachments. She had a 5 year old daughter that had already received that diagnosis. WOW! Usually that is an 11 year old boy diagnosis!! Not a little girl! I asked the mom my usual “attachment” questions… with a few extra that I don’t ask adoptive parents, because this was a biological child. The questions include:
• Did you want this child? Was this a planned pregnancy?
• Were you available to the child after she was born? Did you have post-partum depression?
• Did you use and drugs or alcohol while pregnant or afterwards?
• Did the child have some physical problem that caused her pain when she was an infant, such as an undiagnosed ear infection or hernia? (More on this aspect of attachment issues later!)

Mom gave the “right” answer to each of my questions… but STILL something wasn’t right. I asked her the same questions again, but sort of “through the back door.” I asked her something about “meeting the child’s needs” and suddenly you could have heard a pin drop. After a prolonged silence, she said in a stony voice, “I have gone out of my way to meet this child’s needs!” She went on to describe how the child is always clean, fed, etc. I replied, “You mean her physical needs…” and she said, “Yes.” After an additional long pause, she started to speak again, and I will never forget what she said… “You know, I remember laying her on the bed when she was just a few days old and turning to my mom and asking her, ‘When will I feel something for this child?’” This mom had never emotionally connected to this little girl, and by age five, the child was severely emotionally disturbed. The ultimate irony was that mom subsequently had a little boy, and in watching mom, dad and son together, they were the picture of emotional health. What happened with the daughter? I’ll never know.