A reader asked a not-surprising question in response to a recent post. She wanted to know why I didn’t phone Amy when I was hounding Stephanie and Kyle and hugging the heck out of Beth in the aftermath of the Virginia Tech massacre. The answers to that question are sad but simple.


First of all, she’s not in college. (Of course, neither is Beth, but her physical presence made her especially easy to hug!) Amy's world consists of her fast food job and her apartment. She hasn’t been going to class and has F’s this quarter in all three courses she signed up for, so high school isn’t even part of her world. And while something could happen to her at the fast food joint, that was not the focus of Monday’s tragedy.


And speaking of something bad happening to her… I can’t go there either. She has no clue about the world and resisted everyone’s attempt to teach her. So if I really spent any time dwelling on some of the likely negative experiences in her future, I’d go crazy… so I don’t.


And here’s the most significant answer. I don’t have a relationship with her that makes me feel the need to call her… under any circumstances. As I mentioned previously, on Monday as the Vermont killings were unfolding, I was presenting to a Rotary club. In addition to talking about school shooters, I shared some of Nancy Ashe’s video. In the video she says she’s sure her parents never imagined living with her all those years and not being in relationship with her. Nancy also states that relationship with her means the person interested in the relationship must “insert themselves in her world with no expectation of any return.” But in Nancy's case, at least now that she is an adult, there are perks to being in that kind of relationship with her... she does give back, even if she wants you to expect nothing.


In the case of Amy… I inserted myself in her world for seventeen years. It was an unpleasant experience. I’m not interested in doing it any more...at least not until she figures out how to provide something positive in return. When I was feeling sad and emotional about the horrible losses that occurred last Monday, I needed to connect with and fill my tank from the kids who do that for me. Amy is not one of those kids. Amy is all about out-go, no input. Besides, I truly don’t think she would grasp why I was calling and I feel it is safe to say the tragedy had little impact on her. It was not something that affected her immediately and critically… therefore it was likely not important to her.


These are sad truths… but they are truths nevertheless.

I can't encourage you enough to get Nancy Ashe's CD or DVD. What a powerful message she has.


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