I have now read her comments twice!

I, and many others, completely relate to your story. Thanks so much for sharing it.

We adopted two siblings from Latin America and it has been very hard. We got all the Nancy Thomas material we could before we adopted, but still, living it is another thing. We went to one of Nancy’s Camps a year after we got the kids and that helped. Our daughter, the youngest at age 11, is making a lot of strides, but for a while, I wondered if she was going to be held back by her brother who really doesn’t want much in his life. My husband described them as two balls being held together by a chain as neither ball can go far because it is held back by the other when separately each ball could go much farther.

We’ve both wondered whether it would be better if this sibling group was separated.

We’ve had some hard times where I went no where with them for six months and just did all my out-of-the-house-tasks when the husband came home. I went to live with a therapeutic mom for two weeks to glean some insight into how to parent my son and in our parenting, we have made some radical decisions. We tried public school. Our son’s teacher, a tall black man who worked with juvenile delinquents was probably more than I could have ever hoped for in a teacher: He did what we asked, he told us what happened, and he said after a month, he told all the rest of the school staff that everything we told them about our son was true. But he got frustrated with our son as did the special ed teacher. They tried a one on one aide and our son insulted her and refused to work with her. He only wanted to work with the teacher who had 32 other students. Our son refused to eat food at home as he was getting snacks and told the cafeteria that he had no lunch and charged all sorts of stuff. He refused to do work. Our daughter–who is doing well now–alienated everyone in the classroom with her bossiness and control. The teacher gave warnings and didn’t consequence first time until I brought in a tape of her rages and the teacher started crying because she had never heard anything like that. I could go on and I think I have for too much time, but that is why we “homeschool”. Actually, I am more of a classical/unschooling mix. I do a lot of reading to the kids and let them choose what they are interested in because they still do a bit of messing (i.e. pretending they don’t understand when they do). Our daughter is loving researching topics in the encyclopedia and reading and hasn’t touched math for a while, but I have to say I am also a devotee of John Taylor Gatto and believe that when they want to, it will come quicker than me forcing it. Our son mostly chooses doing chores and playing, but he loves to be read to..

I don’t let my children play together unless supervised and *NEVER* let them roll around together. We have alarms on the doors. The kids don’t go to Sunday School or children’s church. Our daughter has never had a birthday party–except with Mom and Dad– or been to one. I finally realized that for our family, we couldn’t have the *FROSTING* until there was some CAKE. For us, the cake is the basics of being responsible, respectful and fun to be around–not just once, but for an extended period of time. And that didn’t mean that we didn’t do fun things as a family, like taking a homeschool field trip for a day or going to the beach, but we confined a lot of things to being in the family. I just had to say “no” to a friend who invited all of us to Six Flags. Our daughter would be able to handle it, but our son couldn’t and we just can’t. I had our daughter in band and homeschool P.E. this past school year. When her attitude deteriorated earlier this year, I told her that it took a lot energy for me to put up with the hassle of her attitude and I would just use the time I drove her places and waited to refresh. I guess those two things didn’t mean that much to her because she hasn’t asked what she could do to earn them back. But she has asked to earn to ride her bike. And she did and you should have seen the glow and the joy!!!

And we are, as our therapist says, making micro-steps with our son. Just this morning I had a talk with him about the questions that the psychiatrist always asks him about school. I told him I didn’t care what his decision was, but it was something he might consider planning for. And he is choosing to do math today. I don’t know how long this will be for or whether this is just an odd foray into schoolwork, but it is something he hasn’t done. He is eating regularing instead of skipping meals and he is brushing regularly. The only thing I have found that works with him is to accept his decisions–as long as they aren’t illegal, immoral or unethical.

Our kids *earn* privileges and it has taken THREE YEARS for our daughter to earn what others would say I should just let them do like “having friends over”. It was worth the wait. When my kids do things they don’t think they deserve they are extremely difficult. When they have worked for it by being responsible, respectful and fun to be around, they glow with the joy of knowing they had accomplishment. I allow our children one time to try a new gift until they have finished a thank you note. Our son has written more thank you notes this year, but still….

My husband and I are very thankful to God that our daughter is doing less perseverating about her brother/our son’s choices. I have encouraged her to write in a journal of “letters to my sister” –as their mom didn’t abandon their little sister–and she seems to be working through some of her pain.

It is hard having siblings with RAD and I certainly understand why some people disrupt. I am learning to live day to day. But things are so much better than when we adopted four years ago (when the kids were 7 and 8). Our pace is different than many people. We are very misunderstood by our own siblings and one set of our parents, but God has provided so much for us. Having RADlets has really winnowed my friend list to those who are real and I don’t think I realized what an AWESOME husband I had until we adopted our two very hurt kidlets.

I ache for those families who are in the midst of making some very difficult decisions. But for the grace of God, there goes our family…

patricia