Continuing with my thoughts on why some people are reluctant to acknowledge the issues adoptees face…


Not only do I think people in general are reluctant to address negative emotions, I think adoptive parents, who often have suffered the grief and loss associated with infertility, are perhaps even more inclined to want a “Beaver Cleaver” parenting experience.


I was fortunate enough to have two healthy biological children when we started on our adoption journey. When things didn’t work out for me with my fairy tale ideals, I still had healthy, reciprocal kids available who more than filled my tank.


For moms and dads who have to rely on issue-laden kids to fulfill their parenting expectations… that’s tough. While some might say it isn’t the kids’ job to fill the parents’ tank, I respectfully disagree. No one, in my opinion, goes into parenting expecting it to be all outgo and no input. For that matter, no one goes into any relationship without expecting to get some need met in that relationship. Even for unhealthy relationships like co-dependency, both parties are meeting an internal need. So while the parents attempt to meet the physical and emotional needs of their adopted children, the children are, at some point, expected to meet some of the parent’s needs. (For more on this, read Katherine Leslie's work.)


When the kids don’t do that, parents look for reasons why. That is assuming the parents grasp how deficient relationally their child really is—and many parents don’t have any frame of reference for this. If you have not parented a healthy child, how do you know how it is supposed to feel? If the parent recognizes all is not well, they are most reluctant to relate current issues to anything of deep significance, because that would imply a longer “fix”, significant work involved, possibly less-than-ideal outcomes… all bubble-bursting realizations. Much more palatable to relate it to some age-and-stage behavior or some dispositional quirk of the child that can’t be “fixed” anyway… Many people are quite adept at doing the turtle routine and convincing themselves that “this too shall pass.”