In her “Anniversary reaction” blog, Julie writes how she is…

…sad for the changes in my life. I was so full of hope and love.

And how she…

...remember(s) the hopes and dreams (and just basic expectations) I had. I remember our plans to plop LuLu in Montessori and let her flourish, just like her three siblings before her. I remember talking about teaching her to play softball and being a champion swimmer (like Dad). I remember our desire that she and her big sis would attend the local Chinese cultural school to learn the language, the dances, the culture. I was so confident, so sure. I had never met an obstacle I couldn't overcome.

These thoughts so reflect the profound loss I am feeling right now. I can no longer kid myself that I will have any kind of normal childhood relationship with Amy. In fact, I often despair of having any adult/adult relationship with her as well.


Stephanie (our 19 year old daughter) is home for the summer. Not only that, but her boyfriend Sean is here, too. We have plenty of space between the two duplexes. Stephanie is now sharing a bathroom with Amy, who will certainly have to figure out how to throw a few nasty things in the trash… Stephanie and Sean will spend much of the summer working, but Sean, especially, has high hopes of motivating Amy. He is realistic, according to Stephanie, but is fresh and enthusiastic, as opposed to my husband and I who are completely out of gas, and Stephanie, who is somewhere in the middle.


I had a long talk with Stephanie today. She told me when she and Sean started asking those “tough questions” like “How do you plan on supporting yourself?” and “What do you like to do?” Amy shut down, as usual. She had no answers. Sean was shocked but not deterred.


The point of all this is how defeated I feel, how sad I am that we are at this place in spite of Herculean efforts. Talk about losses! I wanted another daughter! I most certainly had hopes and dreams. I am capable of making significant adjustments in my hopes and dreams, but how low must I go?

To be continued