It was the day after Halloween when Beth moved in with us. Shortly after her arrival, Liz Randolph, author of Children Who Shock and Surprise, stayed in our home while she completed attachment evaluations on several children in the Kansas City area. Beth was one of those children, and Liz’s assessment of her was not pretty. Beth was functioning well below age level, not even matching the emotional and chronological age of her previous sibling who was 14 months younger. She had many avoidant attachment behaviors and was very, very controlling. Liz not only evaluated Beth, but she helped me establish the appropriate boundaries I needed to effectively parent this child. I started off too lenient (a fact my older kids couldn’t believe!) and Liz helped me “regroup”.

When I review videotapes taken the first year Beth lived with us, I can’t believe how tough I was on her… but I knew then, and know now, it was what was necessary to provide the structure and stability she needed to feel safe enough to attach to me. Liberally interspersed in the toughness was a great deal of time in the rocking chair. In fact, we soon bought another chair, for the one we had was too small for two bodies to share comfortably!

I clearly remember the 72 hour period about three months into Beth’s placement with us that she made a conscious decision to “place her eggs in my basket”. Although it was not a finite moment of a minute or two, but rather a period of several days, I knew we had turned a major corner. I could tell by the way she looked at me, by the relaxation of her body, by other physical and emotional cues that she had decided to trust me. It had a definite impact upon me, for I also knew it was a decision Amy had yet to make… after a decade of living together.

That is not to say Beth didn’t continue to test me. She did. She needed to know I was always “on duty”. In fact, I used to SAY to Amy, “Can’t we just establish that I am still ON DUTY? Do you always have to test me to see?” Because the difference was, Beth would test and then settle down and eventually respond appropriately. Amy would test, and nothing would change. One of the cardinal rules of “attachment parenting” is to pick your battles carefully, but that can be hard to do when a child can make a control battle out of anything and everything!