Colic or Constipation?

A mom recently commented to me how difficult it was for her to figure out the roots of her child’s behavior, and to discern the best response to objectionable or troublesome behaviors. If a parent researches attachment issues and Reactive Attachment Disorder, and enters adoptive parenting with eyes wide open, they are so much more prepared to address issues as they arise. But that very same knowledge can be a liability as easily as it can be an asset.

When I was in veterinary school, one of the most frequent equine surgeries performed at the vet school clinic was for colicky horses. Colic is the term used for a horse with a bellyache… a catch-all diagnosis for a variety of conditions that can cause that bellyache. The horses that were transported to the veterinary school were usually in big trouble. And surgery is a major undertaking—expensive, dangerous, and hard on both the horse and the owner.

I never practiced equine medicine, but I have owned my own horses for nearly 30 years. After I graduated from vet school, I would occasionally realize one of my horses had a bellyache. Boy, did that throw me for a loop! I instantly imagined the worse case scenario. It took me several years to realize that 90% of colic cases were resolved “in the field”, and the ones that came to the vet school were the cases that hadn’t responded to more conservative treatment. My heart still races whenever I have a colicky horse, and I did, in fact, lose an old mare to a severe bowel obstruction. She was too old and too sick to try and haul her to the vet school.

So what’s the point here? I think parents who are educated about attachment are way ahead of the game. I think some parents will end up with a colicky zebra that needs major therapy, and some will end up with a zebra that will respond to more conservative interventions. Much as I hate to say it, and knowing how much controversy this will create, I personally believe all foster and adopted kids have a few stripes at the very least. I don’t believe they can have the losses inherent in adoption and not have at least some subtle effect on their world view. Many may incorporate that loss so effectively into their healthy and developing psyche that the impact is imperceptible. But it is still there. Others are profoundly affected and, like a colicky horse, are writhing in pain and clearly distressed.

So how do we respond to difficult behaviors or signs of distress? How do we assess the origins of those behaviors? Is this adoption related? Attachment related? Sensory/neuro/biochemically related? Age and stage related? The genetic temperament of our child? All of the above? Here’s what I decided… Whenever my children exhibit a behavior that I personally find objectionable or distressing, I ask myself, “Will this response or behavior serve my child well in her future?” If the answer is no, I try and reroute or extinguish that behavior. If the answer is yes, I try and figure out how I can learn to live in peace with that behavior.

We need to follow our instincts with our own children. We research and identify neuro and biochemical causes for our child’s responses, if appropriate. If we feel their behavior is honestly stemming from grief or loss, we need to honor that grief or loss, to a point. If we allow them to wallow in it, we enable them. If we ignore it, we send the message that we don’t care. What works one day might not work the next. Relationships are fluid—there isn’t a manual on how to respond each and every time. We do the “attachment dance” and we learn how to respond to our particular child. We do the best we can… and it may not be perfect, but it will have to be good enough. We do what we can do, and our kids have to do their part. It might not be fair, but it is the truth.

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