After writing my last post I read it to my husband. (After all, he was a captive audience, because we were still in the car on the way home from St. Louis!) I asked how I could put into action what I so desired to do… how can I encourage Amy without setting myself up for more disappointment? How could I separate my knowledge of what she was or wasn’t doing with her life with my sadness and disappointment over her choices?


My husband said the simple response was “hate the sin but love the sinner.” In the message we received at the marriage conference, we were challenged to love (or respect) our spouse as God had commanded us to do, without the expectation that change would occur. Our ultimate reward would come in heaven.


I asked my husband how I should respond to the information that Amy has quit attending school and it doesn’t look promising that she will graduate this spring. Should I take the “don’t ask, don’t tell” approach? But if I insulate myself from anything and everything she is doing, how would I be any kind of encouragement to her? What could I say that would have any meaning and be genuine? Bear in mind, at this point my motivation has more to do with what God is commanding me to do than any personal, internally found desire to interact with her much at all. It saddens me greatly to admit that, but I, too, have come to protect my inner core from more hurt and disappointment.


My husband suggested something along the lines of, “It must be sad for you that you took the time and made the effort to sign up for those classes and it didn’t work out for you.” I can't count the number of times I have heard that type of response be suggested by therapists and other therapeutic parents (like my awesome friend Nancy Thomas.) So why do I struggle so to make it happen?


My response was how incredibly hard it is for me to respond that way as both a person who accomplishes things and even more importantly, as Amy’s mother who wanted so much more for her. My conclusion is that her continued resistance to moving forward with her life is still feeling way too personal to me… I still perceive her life to be a rejection of mine. I know it isn’t true… but I guess I still have a lot of work to do.


I have really appreciated Faith's series of posts about adopting an abused child. It does help me to remember it isn't personal.


I also doubt it was coincidental that the Purpose Driven Life Daily Devotional that appeared in my inbox this morning states:

That Great Lover, God Almighty, says we must choose to love one another. We’re to love other believers regardless of how we feel about them or how unlovable they may appear.

It goes on to say:

Christ crushes the myth that love is based on feelings. He pushes the definition of love to a higher level – where behavior and beliefs combine into godly action.

Perhaps I should call Amy? And by the way, today is Tommy's birthday... he's 23. Happy Birthday Tommy!


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