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A long time ago, I heard a story of an enterprising mom who grew very weary of her son’s constant lying. One day she caught him in yet another lie, and she told him, “I owe you a lie!” Some time passed, and one day he approached her about having a bunch of his friends over on Saturday night. She readily agreed, and he invited his friends and planned his party. A short time before the party was to begin, his mom looked at him and said, “Remember that lie I owed you? I’m paying you back right now. There will be no party.” This young man had to call all his friends and make whatever excuses he made to cancel the event.
Beth is approaching 11 years old. I know that is significantly younger than a teenager, but this child is capable of being very honest and responsible. Sometimes she chooses otherwise. Two things we have gone ‘round and ‘round about are animal responsibilities and lying/integrity when mom is not looking over her shoulder.
Beth was caught yet again sneaking candy while at the conference. There was a bowl of jellybeans on the counter of the hotel. Beth was given a few opportunities to explore the hotel by herself. Bummer for her that an ATN staff member caught her with her fists in the jelly bean bowl … the staff member’s look prompted Beth to (supposedly) release her catch, only to be caught again in the elevator a few moments later with jellybeans in her mouth! Had this child come to me and asked for jellybeans, she most likely would have received permission to get some. It is the behind-my-back sneaking I won’t tolerate. When I confronted her later and asked if she had been honest and informed me that she was eating candy, she said, “You didn’t ask me!” We discussed how sneaking was akin to lying and I said perhaps I should owe her a lie.
Another phrase I have been hearing a lot lately is “I’m sorry, Mom, I should be more responsible” (but it is followed by no change in behavior at all.) She can’t seem to be bothered to do a few basic things regarding animal responsibilities that I have requested over and over and over.
Fast forward to this morning … she has choir practice before school. She needs a ride at 8 AM, before the bus comes. She often gets a ride from a neighbor, but the neighbor girl is sick. Beth appears in front of me this morning and says, “May I call (the neighbor) to see when she is coming?” I said she wouldn’t be driving. “Oh, so you’ll be taking me then?” she said. “I suppose …” I responded.
A few minutes later, Beth was ready to go to choir. I said, “What if I said, ‘I know I should drive you to choir, but I don’t want to. I’m sorry, I know I should be more responsible.’ Or what if I said, ‘You didn’t ask me to drive you to choir.’”
She said, “Yes, I did ask you!” I replied, “No, you assumed I was driving you to choir, just as I assumed you didn’t need me to ask you if you planned on sneaking candy! You didn’t ask me!”
And then I said, “Of course, I could always say I did agree to drive you to choir, and then pay you the lie I owe you. Which of these three options would you like to choose?”
“I’d like you to take me to choir …” she said.
“I’d like you to be honest and responsible,” I replied, “But it doesn’t seem to matter what I want.”
I let her stew on this for a few minutes, and then gave her a hug and told her I would drive her to choir, BUT … there would be no more bail-outs and she had better remember this experience when making choices in the future. I’ll let you know if it sticks!
Good post!
My seven year old can “write the book” on how she should act but she can’t seem to follow her own “writing”!!!
She told me last night that I sometimes yell at her and it makes her sad. I told her I would not have to yell if she would follow directions and listen the first time!
Isn’t life interesting!
Interesting –
?I?d like you to be honest and responsible, but it doesn’t seem to matter what I want.?
And I suppose it is TRUE that it doesn’t matter what Mom wants, if my child does not also truly want to BE an honest, responsible citizen of this house.
I’ve been on a trip for 2 weeks with an older child, and there is purgatory to pay with Joy upon returning. If I play the “lying” game with her, will her half-truths and mixed-up stories and outright misinformation change, or will she consider it all a game of POWER which she must win?
Rachel
You have to be careful how, when and how often you use this with a really sick child. It isn’t about a power struggle, and it isn’t supposed to be a “tit for tat”. It would have had no impact whatsoever on Amy … but Beth is far healthier. The premise of this is that trust is a two way street, and our kids want us to be pillars of dependability but they get to make up the rules as they go along. This “exercise” used sparingly is a way of reminding them that just as they have choices, so do we … but be very, very careful not to make it punitive or vindictive … just a learning opportunity.
I keep trying to impose “The Golden Rule” on my kids brains. Telling them daily that if I keep hearing them say mean things to one another, answer each others questions disdainfully or not help one another when requested that the same thing will happen to them. So far, it hasn’t changed anything for the “ill” children, but the healthiest two (youngest) seem to really get it and I DO see the change in how they ask for things, respond to each other. I even have the 3 yo stop himself mid-sentence to start over and say “oops, I mean MAY I have that, not I WANT that!” Of course, there isn’t as big of a problem with the two youngest to begin with, but it’s good to know that these things CAN and DO work with healthy kids who just need a reminder.
It’s amazing what you have learned that you can forget. I totally forgot about the “I owe you a lie” thing. I will be using it on Hannah in the near future. Never would have worked on Sammy though.
The sneaking part is what drives me nuts too.
Wow, I love this idea! While I think we can use this idea with DS, I don’t think it would work with our foster son, as he has a separate set of rules for how adults should act, which of course validates his own lying. Not that we buy it but as soon as I read this, I knew it would sink in for DS, but all we’d get from DFS is another argument.
Honesty is a huge deal in our house. Right now, we are fighting the Battle of the Clean Room in our home. The younger ones know that they can’t watch television or play with friends until their homework is done and room is clean. Unfortunatly, they are quick to say it is done, but darn…. Mom and Dad sometimes actually go and check!
Why does Beth like candy so much? I had a large allowance in my era of a dollar and I couldn’t finish all the dime, nickel and penny candies I could afford such as swedish fish and rock candy so I wouldn’t have been tempted by candy because no limits were set on me.
“Why does Beth like candy so much?”
I don’t know, I guess candy is to her what caramel or cookies are to me! Fortunately, I have learned SOME self control!
i’m sitting on the ence thing about i o u a lie. and then really cancelling the party agreed to. for me that isn’t teaching them not to lie that is teaching them parents lie too, can’t trust them, and having a child healed enough to have a party of a few friends then make them call and cancel… just sets the kid into get back at them mode?
i play a game of asking the child what they want ice cream or mashed potatoes after supper, when child says ice cream i give mashed potatoes. when the child says i asked for ice cream i tell them i know you did sweet heart, but you lie so i knew you really wanted mashed potatoes! hug them and leave.
not asking correctly i work 2 things
1. i don’t hear questions/ requests with out please or may i in them. 2. oh i hear you need some practice saying please or may i so you can walk up and down the stairs 5times saying mom may i please… now if this isn’t enough practice then you just “forget” again and i’ll triple the amount of times you need to repeat it. got it? wonderful! hug them and have them start!i also try to answer questions with yes, no, i’m not sure ask later,i hate to give something and then have to remove the privalige so ask the…day of/weekend before/hour before…, my favorite is never the less my answer is. the children give me all kinds of reasons i must change my mind and i encourage them to keep thinking. when they are fisished and i tell them i will keep in mind what they have said and some are very good reasons (hug them) but at this time i have to tell you never the less my answer is no. i will be watching to see if your behavior is getting better and maybe next time this comes up i can say yes!! hug them and walk away.
for the child that would tell me “i need to be more responsible” i would hug them and do a little happy dance with them and tell them it is so wonderful we agree!! or you are so right! yes you do need to be more responsible!!
advanced parenting for challenging children instructor,cindy51534
In all honesty I don’t know how you ladies do it! You are all so strong and amazing, just like my mom. She keeps going when my sister continuously lies. At times I think my parents brought it on themselves… for the most part they were never really consistent with how they worked with and or punished my sister, and watching them get lied to over and over again hurts me so much. In taking classes for my major of family studies, I can’t help but think that since my sister is 16 years old now… it might be getting to the point where there will be no reversing the lying trend she has grown to live by. Is there any way to help my parents? Especially if they won’t listen to me? The lying and manipulation make me sick, but if no one listens to my advice, how will anything change?