Reactive Attachment Disorder, RAD Blog

11/02/07

Trainwrecks all around

Posted by : Nancy Spoolstra in Reactive Attachment Disorder Blog at 10:00 am , 515 words, 172 views
Categories: Support

As I write this post, Beth is sitting at the adjacent computer and beginning her Language Arts instruction for the day. This is her first day home, officially homeschooling. She slept a little later, didn’t worry about what clothes she wore, sauntered out to do horse chores, and is now ready to start working. The curriculum is fabulous … I have spent several days this week starting to familiarize myself with what she (and I) will be learning. Perhaps Word will no longer have to point out my split infinitives if I relearn grammar rules with Beth!

Everyone I have met thus far in the homeschooling or virtual school realm has been very pleasant and helpful. As I was reflecting on this fact, I was reminded of the mom I met recently who turned out to be a fellow RAD mom. From there my mind wandered to her comment … “I discourage anyone from adopting!”

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That is not the first time I have heard adoptive parents state that view. Here it is, the month we celebrate adoption, and guess what? I have families imploding all around me. Not just one or two, but dozens. And imploding in a huge way. There are several moms whose kids are hospitalized—Julie is one of those moms. Kelly’s son is trashing his life quite effectively. Another mom is still struggling to find a therapist who really understands her son’s issues. Yet another mom is wading into a legal/social services battle over her daughter—a case quite similar to Julie’s situation. (Even that mom’s horse became ill this past week!)

Listing all these adoptive parents and their personal struggles suddenly reminded me of a news story last night … unrelated to adoption. A local 14-year-old girl disappeared a few months ago, and all indications are that she ran off with a 21-year-old guy to Mexico. I viewed a television interview with the distraught father and the girl’s sisters at the time of her disappearance. A couple of days ago, both sisters were killed in a car accident. So here’s this dad, missing all three girls in a matter of months. How much more must this man endure?

The key here, it seems to me, is that we must not endure our pain alone. What doesn’t kill us makes us stronger. I feel so helpless in the face of all this pain, but I take comfort in knowing ATN has connected us all in a way that we can shoulder each others’ burdens. With God and each other, we will persevere.

I must also add that I, personally, and ATN in general are very pro-adoption. I have stated this fact over and over. But--I sure hope those agencies and folks who are pushing adoption this month plan to educate, support and provide resources for the families willing to step up and open their hearts and homes to severely traumatized children. Sadly, I think many of those agencies think nothing of skipping that obligation.

Getting by with a little help from my friends

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16 comments

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Comment from: fenyimom [Member]

I just had a post placement visit for my youngest daughter. The social worker commented that among older child adoptions, she is estimating that 75% of them are experiencing extreme problems, just for the families that she is working with.

Permalink 11/02/07 @ 10:24

Comment from: CREAMPUFF_SUGAR [Member]

Nancy, I appreciated your post. My sister sent me the picture of a child who is 3.5 years in a Chinese orphanage who is in the process of being adopted by a mutual friend. The description included "friendliness to strangers". I thought, "Oh, dear", a harbinger of what is to come. But am I going to educate? I doubt it. The prospective parents, who both work and undoubtedly are going to put this precious one in day care, are all a twitter with her cuteness and the corrective surgeries for her cleft lip and then, I assume, they think it will be smooth sailing as with their two biological children, who, thankfully are older than this child. I agree, part of the problem is the lack of education on the part of the adopting agencies, but part is also that adopting parents don't want to hear. Like the prophets of old who spoke truth, most really wanted to hear the false prophets and they tuned out the prophets who spoke the truth. And it was hard truth. I was reading about King Ahab and King Jehosophat (I think it was those two) and they were in the process of making a decision and King J wanted to consult a prophet of God and King A said that all that prophet said were bad things and he didn't like to hear them. I have to say that most don't want to hear the hard things. Of course, in hearing the hard things, King A would have been told why those hard things were going to happen and what he could have done --tear down the high places for one. Adoptive parents need to hear hope as well and that doing the right thing even if it doesn't garner friends, in fact, just realize you are going to alienate a lot of people and start with your family. But realize that this is the beginning of having REAL relationships, not relationships built on the sand. I have never had so many REAL friends in my life as I have post adoption. I have no guarentees regarding the decisions my children make, but the richness of the journey of having risked all and possibly losing has enriched my life beyond measure. Would I have realize what an AWESOME man I married? No. Would I have realized what AWESOME friend I have been blessed with no? Would I have been able to cry with people who are experiencing grief, albeit different, but no less painful? No. My life is harder and richer than I ever dreamed.

patricia

Permalink 11/02/07 @ 11:06

Comment from: Julie [Member]

· http://special-needs.adoptionblogs.com/

Patricia -- you so NAILED it about the not wanting to hear the hard stuff but being all the richer for it!

This is about REAL relationships. Maybe that should be the campaign slogan. Want a REAL relationship...adopt! (Even if the child isn't able to build a relationship...you will!)

Permalink 11/02/07 @ 11:43

Comment from: Nancy Spoolstra [Member]

· http://attachment-disorder.adoptionblogs.com/

I JUST had this very same conversation ten minutes ago with Beth as we sat eating lunch TOGETHER (yeh!) at the kitchen table. We talked about another adoptee at school who is really good at the outward charm but inwardly, I suspect, is also a train wreck. Beth and I talked about having a few good REAL friends and BEING REAL with those friends as opposed to having lots of fake, superficial relationships. Almost verbatim what you just said, Patricia.

Permalink 11/02/07 @ 11:47

Comment from: Bippette [Member]

Nancy - I just went through all your old journals on your ATN site again. I had read them years ago, but went through them again the other day.

One things that really jumped out at me were all of the constant ups and downs. The hope only to have it squashed.

We are on an upswing right now. But I'm trying to not get my hopes up in case it comes crashing back down.

I told someone at work today that I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop. She replied "I think the other shoe dropped a long time ago. Now you are waiting for the house to fall down." LOL.

Its been a quiet and peaceful week. J has followed every rule since we wrote them all down. He's been pleasant and easy to get along with at home, even though he's had some problems at school with a particular teacher. I believe he's been clean all week. I know him well enough now to know just by how he's acting.

He came in last night on time, and ASKED me to watch a movie with him. I did, but I sat on the other couch on the other side of the room. Then this morning, he actually came back to our master bedroom (where he usually never goes), to tell me goodbye this morning before he left for school.

He was actually giggling last night. Which is kind of funny to me that a kid that large has a giggle, but he does when he's feeling good. He was teasing Coach and giving him a hard time.

He is going to wrestle this year, and I think that's a good and positive step. He'll have to stay clean to wrestle, so that's good incentive. There for a while when he was having such a hard time and smoking pot again, he was talking about not wrestling and getting a job instead. I think he thought he couldn't stay clean, so he'd just given up on it. But now he's planning on starting wrestling practice in a couple of weeks.

Holding my breath and trying to keep reminding myself that this might be just a lull until he messes up again. Gotta keep those walls in place.

Permalink 11/02/07 @ 12:38

Comment from: Nancy Spoolstra [Member]

· http://attachment-disorder.adoptionblogs.com/

I just think it is so cool that you have accomplished what you have with him so far. Remember that even if (or when) he backslides, you can't negate the good stuff you are pouring in there right now. Just keep on keepin' on ... it is really awesome!

Permalink 11/02/07 @ 12:42

Comment from: sweet12 [Member]

i think its wrong the way you talk about some of your adopted children..i think that if you say Amy is not your responsibility, and that chapter of your life is closed why are you continuing to blog about her..i understand that she is your daughter but her life is her business...i agree with you in not bothering her about telling you about her life but trying to get information from her siblings is going behind her back without her permission and not telling her you had a blog about the family is wrong too...not to mention talking about her own boyfriend and his family is out of line...that is not your business...and certainly not about your family...as an adoptee i have to take sides with the adoptive kids...tommy and amy have their problems but now that they are on their own it is their choice in updating you as parents about their life...now talking about dora and beth and your two other kids is their business and kudos to them for their successes...brag all you want but stop using your adopted kids mistakes and problems as a learning lesson for other parents...now did you ever think that it is the parents fault for how their kids turn out...don't you always hear that kids turn out the way they are raised... if they act that way to you, doesn't that give a hint how bad you were doing of bringing them up...maybe you should go back to school and find out how to parent...because talking about your kids like that is NOT something a parent of your standards with your experience should do...look at what you have done first before you start crying about your one kid(Amy)and what you did to your non-adopted children...is there a difference in raising them?...reading your blog, it sounds like you did a lot of different interesting methods of how you wanted to raise your biological kids and your adopted kids and now that you figured out what didnt work you change your method....

Permalink 11/02/07 @ 21:32

Comment from: Jennifer [Member]

Nancy, I don't think you deserved that last comment, particularly the nasty tone of it. The point of this blog is that others can learn from your experiences with your children. As long as you continue to protect your children's privacy with pseudonymns, etc, I think this blog is an invaluable resource.

Permalink 11/03/07 @ 04:13

Comment from: dubbamom [Member]

sweet12,
You have never met parents that did a great job bringing up their children, but still had a troubled child? I'm talking about biological. I have met plenty. Good parenting doesn't necessarily equal a child who reflects the values their parents instilled in them.

With adopted children it gets more complex. Things like genetics, mental disorders, trauma or attachment related issues, and FAS/ARND may interfere with stellar parents ability to instill their values into their adopted children. You know the saying "You can lead a horse to water . . ."?

We can provide our children with every opportunity to heal, but at some point they have to choose to embrace it.

Your theory that behind every disturbed adopted child is an awful parent, is very simplistic and rarely true in the adoption community.

Permalink 11/03/07 @ 06:29

Comment from: mater [Member]

Jennifer wrote:
"As long as you continue to protect your children's privacy with pseudonymns, etc, I think this blog is an invaluable resource."

Sweet 12 presents good points in a straightforward manner.

Some might say pseudonymous first names aren't enough when photos, a presumed last name, locations, and other information are provided.

Permalink 11/03/07 @ 11:01

Comment from: CREAMPUFF_SUGAR [Member]

I frankly, philistine that I am, don't quite understand the difference between books like "Limits of Hope" and blogging about family members named as a pseudonym. For those of us who have adopted hurt children, these blogs are very encouraging and helpful. While I, myself, am not adopted, my husband and I did adopt children who have been hurt beyond hurt. Being ALONE with children who appear one way to the world and another at home is FRAYing to say the least; to know you are not alone, to know that there is hope even with children who make decisions that bewilder to daylights out of caring parents, to be strong in the harsh glare of criticism, well, I have to say I am grateful for Nancy's candor and compassion. It is so very easy to criticize and arm chair quarterback;...from my vantage point I would welcome hearing from Sweet12 and Mater what HAS worked in their experience, not quotes from journal articles, but what they have found in their own lives with adopted kids that they have personally live with and cried with and PARENTED for at LEAST SIX MONTHS that has worked. I await with anticipation that kind of post....We can all say what doesn't work...but pray tell, do tell if you have found something!!!!
patricia

Permalink 11/03/07 @ 12:59

Comment from: scrapsbynobody [Member]

· http://scrapsbynobody.blogspot.com/

Adoption is a less than ideal situation. This is why there is so much frustration, and high emotion from anyone involved...birth families, adopted children, adoptive parents. We all have this really big pile of lemons, and some people are sucking on them, and others are trying to make lemonade. It is very easy for any one of us to get so set upon seeing things through our own lens that we cannot see or feel from another's perspective. Nancy S does not impress me as one of these sorts of people, though I only know her through her writing. But no matter. She is the paid blogger here, and for all I know she might not even be a real person...though evidence seems to suggest that she is indeed very real. The thing I really love is all the discussion that arises here. None of the commenters are paid (to my knowledge), neither do they disclose inappropriate information about their families. They just come together and try to support and encourage one another. Nancy moderates and encourages that process. No doubt she makes mistakes, vents frustrations, has regrets. I suppose we should all crucify her for it?

Permalink 11/03/07 @ 14:52

Comment from: NCOZADD@aol.com [Member]

As their parents, it was hard to undo the damage that was done to our two older children prior to their placement. One child chose to be a part of the healing process, and like Nancy's daughter Beth, is doing incredibly well. One still chooses to not take advantage of what is offered, and is more like Nancy's daughter Amy.

Regardless of which side of the adoption triangle we are a part of: adoptee, birth parents or adoptive parents, we should be taking the side of truth. And the truth of many families is that no matter how good the parenting is, sometimes a child can't and/or won't allow themselves to be vulnerable enough to heal.

The success and mistakes of other parents has made me a better mother to all four of my children. There is vast opportunity to grow and mature when we encounter those willing to support, encourage and educate. I hope and pray that the mistakes (and success) that my husband and I have and will make can serve other parents. It is part of the process....

When someone goes to the hospital, they benefit from the knowledge and skills of their medical team - who learned from those who came before, and will teach those who come after. It is part of the process....

Parenting is synonomous with sacrifice and hard work - and holds no guarantees of "success", whether those kids arrived through birth, adoption or foster care. There are differences, however subtle, in raising kids, as each child is unique.

Permalink 11/03/07 @ 15:48

Comment from: NCOZADD@aol.com [Member]

P.S. Nancy S. is very real, rest assured. :-)

Permalink 11/03/07 @ 15:50

Comment from: Sunbonnet Sue [Member]

now let's see......if I were to become a fake person......who would I be? hhmmmm, I'd like to be Rebecca for a day so I could play with her cute Ella. oh no, wait, Rebecca is probably a real person.....oh, Sandra, to spend the day on the beach and play with her cute Sam and CJ. or Lisa, to play with HER cute Ella. the possibilities are endless! Maybe we should get our own cute Ella?! yes, Sunbonnet Sue has finally lost her mind......

Permalink 11/03/07 @ 21:27

Comment from: sweet12 [Member]

OK...well, you all have sent some things...Saying that what i said was bad or not nice(Jennifer and dubbamom) have you guys met Nancy?... she is not a nice person to talk to... i know that it is hard to help kids who don't want to be helped...i had one...i let her live her life and kept telling her that she can come to me for anything... and now she comes to me for everything...From what i have read and seen from Nancy, she did not open her heart to Amy...she didn't like her and could not wait until she moved out...and now that she is out, all she does is talk about her...not exactly the kind of parent a foster child like Amy sould go to...met this Nancy people, tell comment back...

Permalink 11/11/07 @ 17:07

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