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I ran across a very good article, or at least part of it, in the November/December 2007 issue of Fostering Families Today magazine. Part of the story is missing because I tore out another story about a friend and mailed it to her.
The article is about the impact of a traumatized child on a family. We often talk about trauma’s impact on a child, but bringing that traumatized child into a family will have repercussions, no matter what the family dynamic is.
This was a consideration in our family recently. Someone had asked me to do respite for a little girl very close in age to my own Hannah. I have been working with this family for several years and this little girl is severe on the attachment spectrum. For this reason, I could not bring this child into my home. I knew that the impact on Hannah would be devastating. While she would love to have a sister to play with, this little girl would not be that kind of child. She rages, hits, kicks, bites, would terrorize our animals and so on. Hannah would have major regressions over bringing this child into our home, and I was not willing to do that to her.
That is part of trauma. It doesn’t just affect the traumatized person. Everyone within the family unit feels it. Other children can be fearful of the child, parents can become stressed, frustrated, and exhausted. Other times the other members of the family may be physically traumatized after suffering injuries in various forms at the hands of the child. Continually being around a traumatized child can cause Secondary Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Just as the child is a victim of PTSD by being on alert around their abuser, the other members of the family begin to be on alert as well. It may be because of a child’s violent outbursts, physical attacks, your possessions not being “safe”, seeing parents or another child being physically or emotionally hurt, being unable to leave the house and get a break or various other forms of trauma and abuse.
It is important that everyone in the house take care of themselves physically and emotionally. Avoid anyone else becoming a victim if at all possible.
Four of my 10 children are adopted. I wholeheartedly agree that it is important to take care of ourselves emotionally! There was a particularly critical point for me right after we had adopted three children, when I finally understood that understanding my emotions was the key. I found that as I learned about what I was feeling, why I felt that way, and what feelings are for, I changed inside. As I changed, my ability to help others improved, and they almost magically changed without anything else being different! Over the years I have realized that there are specific “principles” of emotions that are always true, and those have given me guidance when times are tough.
I’m passionate about that subject, and have a website now devoted to teaching about emotions. Learning about emotions was the only reason my family was able to survive. I use these principles every single day.
Janet Summit
http://www.peacethroughprinciples.com
I have to agree that traumatized children can really change the climate in a house! We adopted two children from the foster care system two years ago and I have been amazed at how they can push my buttons! I thought I was a patient person before they moved in. I’m glad we did so much research and soul searching before taking my kids, otherwise, I don’t know if we would have survived. There is a free mini-course for parents considering adopting through the foster system that some people might find helpful at adoptioncounts.com Thanks for your post. I really needed that today!
Jeanie
Jeanie
I adopted a child through Foster Care that is my “presumed” nephew. I went into it with all of my heart, not realizing that love is not always enough. My son has recently been diagnosed with RAD and has turned our household upside down. I have a biological son that is 15 months older. I am now riddled with guilt for disrupting his peace and harmony in the household. While they are extremely close, when the younger one gets in his “mood” (which is almost daily) he either takes it out on me or his brother. I thought I was the only one going through this and that as hard as I tried to be a perfect parent, it wasn’t good enough for the youngest one. It is a breath of fresh air to see others are going through similiar situations.
Arleta James has a book coming ut soon about the effects of a child with issues on typically developing children
@Running
There is no such thing as a perfect parent as you know.
Your doing a great job, and you WILL be rewarded because of whats happening in your family right now. Stay the course, no matter how hard it gets. Your child will thank you one day. And then it will all seem worth it.
Michael
We adopted our 16 year old daughter when she was 12. I never understood why we can’t ever “fill her up” with love, fun times or “stuff”. After her old social worker suggested I research RAD I discovered this site. Please tell me where I can find information on parenting teens with RAD. I am exhausted and frustrated.