e-mail
I ran across a very good article, or at least part of it, in the November/December 2007 issue of Fostering Families Today magazine. Part of the story is missing because I tore out another story about a friend and mailed it to her.
The article is about the impact of a traumatized child on a family. We often talk about trauma’s impact on a child, but bringing that traumatized child into a family will have repercussions, no matter what the family dynamic is.
This was a consideration in our family recently. Someone had asked me to do respite for a little girl very close in age to my own Hannah. I have been working with this family for several years and this little girl is severe on the attachment spectrum. For this reason, I could not bring this child into my home. I knew that the impact on Hannah would be devastating. While she would love to have a sister to play with, this little girl would not be that kind of child. She rages, hits, kicks, bites, would terrorize our animals and so on. Hannah would have major regressions over bringing this child into our home, and I was not willing to do that to her.
That is part of trauma. It doesn’t just affect the traumatized person. Everyone within the family unit feels it. Other children can be fearful of the child, parents can become stressed, frustrated, and exhausted. Other times the other members of the family may be physically traumatized after suffering injuries in various forms at the hands of the child. Continually being around a traumatized child can cause Secondary Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Just as the child is a victim of PTSD by being on alert around their abuser, the other members of the family begin to be on alert as well. It may be because of a child’s violent outbursts, physical attacks, your possessions not being “safe”, seeing parents or another child being physically or emotionally hurt, being unable to leave the house and get a break or various other forms of trauma and abuse.
It is important that everyone in the house take care of themselves physically and emotionally. Avoid anyone else becoming a victim if at all possible.
Four of my 10 children are adopted. I wholeheartedly agree that it is important to take care of ourselves emotionally! There was a particularly critical point for me right after we had adopted three children, when I finally understood that understanding my emotions was the key. I found that as I learned about what I was feeling, why I felt that way, and what feelings are for, I changed inside. As I changed, my ability to help others improved, and they almost magically changed without anything else being different! Over the years I have realized that there are specific “principles” of emotions that are always true, and those have given me guidance when times are tough.
I’m passionate about that subject, and have a website now devoted to teaching about emotions. Learning about emotions was the only reason my family was able to survive. I use these principles every single day.
Janet Summit
http://www.peacethroughprinciples.com
I have to agree that traumatized children can really change the climate in a house! We adopted two children from the foster care system two years ago and I have been amazed at how they can push my buttons! I thought I was a patient person before they moved in. I’m glad we did so much research and soul searching before taking my kids, otherwise, I don’t know if we would have survived. There is a free mini-course for parents considering adopting through the foster system that some people might find helpful at adoptioncounts.com Thanks for your post. I really needed that today!
Jeanie
Jeanie
I adopted a child through Foster Care that is my “presumed” nephew. I went into it with all of my heart, not realizing that love is not always enough. My son has recently been diagnosed with RAD and has turned our household upside down. I have a biological son that is 15 months older. I am now riddled with guilt for disrupting his peace and harmony in the household. While they are extremely close, when the younger one gets in his “mood” (which is almost daily) he either takes it out on me or his brother. I thought I was the only one going through this and that as hard as I tried to be a perfect parent, it wasn’t good enough for the youngest one. It is a breath of fresh air to see others are going through similiar situations.
Arleta James has a book coming ut soon about the effects of a child with issues on typically developing children
@Running
There is no such thing as a perfect parent as you know.
Your doing a great job, and you WILL be rewarded because of whats happening in your family right now. Stay the course, no matter how hard it gets. Your child will thank you one day. And then it will all seem worth it.
Michael
We adopted our 16 year old daughter when she was 12. I never understood why we can’t ever “fill her up” with love, fun times or “stuff”. After her old social worker suggested I research RAD I discovered this site. Please tell me where I can find information on parenting teens with RAD. I am exhausted and frustrated.
Hi Amston,
I have a stepson who is 16 years old and suffers with RAD, I have found good information that I have put to good use on http://www.attachment.org.
The trauma an adopted child can cause. We adopted Robert when he was 3 1/2 yrs old and his 15 mon old brother too. Robert has been always been more difficult than his brother, but at 11 yr olds he started looking at porn online and on our cable. We were shocked! Since then it has just went down hill. At 14 he has become violent with me and is diagnosed RAD, BiPolar and ODD. Last year we asked for help at the dept since he was a foster child. No help! Then this year he was going to hit me, my husband went to restain and Robert got hurt. The dept got involved and now they want to crucify us… Yes, trauma comes from all directions(family, friends, dept, etc). We are committed to our son but after the dept is out of our life he has to go away to boarding school. We just don’t trust him….
In the same boat adopted 22 and 36 month old brothers from U.S. Foster Care. It’s been three years nearly to the day of bringing our beautiful boys home. Every sign and symptom of every article on RAD describes them to a T. It’s been hell, nearly everyday with them. I love them with all my heart, and as parents we tend to think well there was some progress there wasn’t there? My oldest is in his last months of kindergarten now, 4 out of 5 days of every week he has been disruptive, passive-aggressively out of control, chattery, defiant, or just completely indifferent to any disipline the school has tried with him. A counselor visits with him at school once a week, but I feel like she’s just hitting the surface of what these boys need. He’s already been provided with the tools he needs to calm himself down, in fact he can act as cooly calm as you could ever imagine. No sticker chart, or any amount of time outs, have worked with either of the boys. They are unaffected by typical disiplines. The boys’ have had assessments that show them above average on all levels for their age, and talking to counselors and educators around here I’m totally at a loss. These are bright, intelligent, handsome, young men with a wound that it is misunderstood and only now being talked about. It’s been labeled “Classic Foster Care Behavior” until now it seems, how has this gone on so long? I’m desperately searching to get my boys the help they need. Hopefully as a whole all us might be able to get RAD on the map, and get changes in effect to help better equip doctors, parents, children, and the foster/adoption system with the information and tools needed to prepare and nurture the future families in our positions.
My husband and I have had the privilege of some really fantastic training from Nancy Thomas over our years as Therapeutic Foster Parents. We have done ‘unofficial’ respite for some time now (privately, not through an agency).
My dad has a 56 acre guest farm a few miles away and is in declining health. He has three lovely log cabins on the property and my husband and I are considering taking over management of the farm. I immediately thought about offering “Respite Retreats” for families in crisis — a place for them to go on vacation with their families and enjoy the peace and tranquility of the mountains, where we can provide some intensive activities for the children (healthy and not) and give the parents some much needed respite.
I don’t know if Respite Retreats are even a rational option. I know many parents just want a “safe” place to enjoy vacation with their family, RAD kids and all — as well as a fun place for the NON-RAD kids, too. When our daughter was critically ill many years ago, I learned first-hand how we parents tend to overlook the “healthy” ones in favor of the sick ones.
Surely there are some needy families out there that would enjoy and appreciate this opportunity? Looking for your input. This would not be an intensive camp for just RAD children, like Nancy Thomas’ (SUPER) camps … but an alternative I’m not sure others meet the need.
All suggestions and input are greatly. For you families struggling out there, would you enjoy a vacation on a guest farm with structured activities for your children but still enjoying time together, too???
Be blessed!!!
—Christy in the Appalachian Mountains of northern Georgia
abundantlyblessed at windstream.net