Continuing with my discussion of adding troubled older children to your family, I am responding to Bipette’s comment as posted here. In my last post, I described the experience my family had when we added a 17-year-old girl we knew for many years. However, I think in some ways Bipette’s situation is a little different. This young man asked three times to join Bipette’s family. He could leave at this point, but chooses not to do so.


I think Kathy contacted us more because we were a place to stay than because she wanted another family. We beat the Girl’s School hands down. I think Bipette’s young man has enough healthy stuff inside of him that he wants what Bipette offers. But he has trust issues out the wazoo. And why wouldn’t he?


I think it felt so safe and so good when he “honeymooned” and allowed himself to believe Bipette and her family would invest in him. He allowed Bipette to nurture him and it felt very, very good. Too good. But then he had to find out just how bad he had to be to get kicked out. Dora is doing the same thing here. Trusting is a scary, scary thing, and no wounded child will place their trust in an adult who isn’t strong enough to withstand some pretty ugly storms.


I was telling my husband about Bipette’s story, and he viewed it from the coach/team perspective. He pointed out how this boy respected the coach because the coach set goals and limits for the team. Additionally, if the team didn’t function as a team, they weren’t successful. While it is possible for a player to get kicked off a team, they have to be pretty squirrelly, and usually it is at the discretion of the coach. Oftentimes they can be “benched” until they get their act together. Explain your actions to this young man based on your family being a "team".


Like you, Bipette, I am a firm believer in structure, Love and Logic, and tough parenting. I think our kids need that more than any other “generalized” approach we can offer. I also would sorely chafe at having limits pushed, tested, and crossed at every turn. However, I don’t think you can draw a firm and fast line in the sand with this young man. The stakes are very high, and he is very, very wounded. His cancer adds tremendously to the dynamics. What incentive would there be to work on his life if he wasn’t going to have a life? What better indication from God and everyone that he is worthless when his very existence is in question?


I would try and walk that very slippery boundary between firm rules and being flexible enough to allow him to challenge them. I would support his decision to eliminate all other stressors in his life and focus only on connecting with your family and graduating high school. I would give him as much positive feedback as you can, but do much of it “laterally” … where he isn’t compelled to prove you wrong. For instance, comment to your husband when the boy does something right … “Joe was a great help to me today in the yard!”


I would label much of what you see … when you see the boy push you away, acknowledge his fear and trust issues. Validate his legitimate reasons for feeling that way. Reassure him you are there for him, but don’t waffle so much that you don’t appear strong enough to walk him through his future challenges, which may well be very, very intense. If he trusts you to be there for him now, will you be there for him if his cancer returns and he is even more vulnerable? Think of the fears this young man must have! If you can’t ride out pot smoking, will you stick with him when he is vomiting and bald and dying? He is asking himself these questions.


This is going to be a hugely rocky road, Bipette, with potentially some real heartbreak along the way. Heartbreak from several directions… he might not make it with your family; he might make it and die of cancer (but with your family there to support him.) But then again, he might make it with your family and beat his cancer.


From what you posted originally, it sounds as if you and your husband are doing a fabulous job. Just take it a day at a time, and keep us posted, and don’t hesitate to ask additional questions.


Check out this site from Sherrie Eldridge, an adult adoptee who believes God had a plan for her from the very beginning.


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