On my recent vacation I enjoyed a moonlight horseback trail ride and found myself visiting with the pretty blond wrangler who was riding along beside me. We found ourselves discussing adoption and she happily informed me she was adopted. She was very appreciative of her life circumstances and loved her parents very much. She is also a newlywed and very much loves her husband.


So I am not at all sure what prompted me to ask her, “Do you have trust issues?”


She looked at me with wide eyes and said, “Funny you should ask me that! Just a few nights ago my parents and I discussed how I have a tendency to pull people in and then push them away! In the past year I have decided I need to do something about it… but I don’t know if it is related to being adopted or not! My parents love me very much and we all want to figure out why I do this… and my husband is very supportive as well.”


Wow! I’m not sure what I was expecting, but I don’t think I was expecting that answer. Turns out this really awesome young woman was adopted as a baby but did spend a brief period in foster care—perhaps more than one home. So best case scenario, her (adoptive) mom is Mom #3.


I started explaining to her about attachment, grief and loss. I said it was unrealistic to expect that a child who experiences multiple moves will have the same perspective and basis of trust as a child who is parented by the woman in whose womb they developed. (Before everyone jumps me, understand that I am not saying trust is destroyed… only that losses have an impact.) I told her that in my opinion, she was normal and her reactions were to be expected. It wasn’t long before tears were sliding down her cheeks.


I told her about Beth and her losses, and her reaction to those losses. I also discussed Amy and how she had responded. We discussed some pretty heavy topics, including searching and reunion and other experiences that had impacted her outlook on life. Throughout our conversation, we were winding around the trail, crossing streams and heading toward a campfire to make S’mores. No eye contact, and difficult subject matter.


I am so glad I had the opportunity to talk to this amazing young woman, and at the same time I am so sad to realize that in her 20+ years no one has explained these very basic concepts to either her or her husband or parents. Admittedly, she just made up her mind to address this “unknown stuff” in the past year…so this information might not have done her much good before then. But it most certainly would have helped her parents!


As she processes this information, I will assist her and her family in finding appropriate resources to address these grief and loss issues. My friends call me “the RAD magnet”! This young woman doesn’t have RAD, but she most certainly has trust and attachment issues.


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