May 31st, 2007
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victimLast October I received a book in the mail, and because I had just moved for the second time that year, and because my life was upside down, I put the book on a shelf and forgot about it. That is, until Cindy Bodie blogged about it and I just had to read it. So I did, and then I blogged about it.

The book is An Unlit Path by Deborah Hannah. Those of you interested enough to read my blog really, really should read this book. And because I am now in regular contact with Deborah, I know some of the post scripts. In fact, I think I know more than I wish I knew… and I am trying to figure out how to tell you the additional wisdom I have learned from Deborah without giving away her book to those who haven’t read it.

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One thing that came up in a conversation we had yesterday both by phone and by email is the fact that Colton, a boy who joined her family as part of a sibling set of three, called and wanted the family to attend his high school graduation. To say that he ceased living under the Hannah roof under horrible circumstances would be the understatement of the century. He and his sister rained immeasurable grief upon the Hannah household. And they have not heard the first word from him in 18 months. Yet, when Deb and her husband opted not to attend (but allowed all the children to make their own choice to go or not go), Colton immediately turned on them and cried foul yet again.

The victim mentality that consumes the minds of poorly attached children is something we parents deal with on a daily basis—and yet, after two decades of seeing it, I still don’t get it. It boggles my mind that as parents, we do and do and do, and try and try and try, and give and give and give… and what we often receive in return is scorn, dissatisfaction, and false allegations of abuse. Life is never fair to some of our kids. They apparently have no part in making it fair… it is all about how we should do for them.

There are many adults with this mentality. Is this all about attachment and relationships? About abuse? About choices? About genetics? What makes a victim mentality?

Some ideas about victim mentalities can be found in Part One and Part Two of an article by Barbara Baker. Another interesting article is Path to freedom: Overcoming the victim mentality.

I have some pretty deep and pretty heady things coming up in my next few blogs about Deb Hannah’s family and what she is continuing to learn, and then teaching me. I guarantee that it will make you think … perhaps in ways you’d rather not think. Stay tuned. And GO READ THAT BOOK!

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