Comments on: We all deserve a break today …

By: NCOZADD@aol.com

NCOZADD@aol.com — Tue, 27 Nov 2007 04:26:01 +0000

I struggle with the misinformation “out there” regarding my son and his relationship with the rest of the family. He puts on a very good front, is quite charming and convincing, and I think really believes what he is saying (at least some of the time). But his truth is not necessarily THE truth for anyone else.

By: scrapsbynobody

scrapsbynobody — Mon, 26 Nov 2007 23:37:23 +0000

Rebrev,
Your points are very well taken. How much to share, and how shall we do it. It is a hard call all around, because people make a lot of bad assumptions about my children and what they can handle, based on their chronological ages and the front they present in public. Then they act on those assumptions, and this often leaves all of us in difficult situations. You want to share in an attempt to preserve your family and to educate people, but how do you know when you have overstepped boundaries or violated a person’s privacy? It is a very delicate balance as our lives/experiences/rights overlap so much in the context of family. I know that I struggle with this often, and still find myself lacking answers or wisdom much of the time. It frequently seems as though there are no good choices.

By: Nancy Spoolstra

Nancy Spoolstra — Mon, 26 Nov 2007 22:55:11 +0000

I think you mean Beth, not Dora (you've never met Dora), and are you saying she is leading a successful life because I did some kind of 180 on my parenting? Ask any parent ... they will tell you they learn from the older kids and apply what they learned on the younger kids. But to believe you are what you are because you were some kind of guinea pig is putting a great deal of the responsibility off of you and on someone else ... Not to mention there are many parents here who are parenting tough kids and "learning as they go" and many of the kids make changes.

I appreciate your statement that you appreciate us, but I have to say that message has really, really been lost somewhere along the way.

I will be sure and leave your life and Tony's life out of any future blog posts. Please try and live your life in such a way that no more stressed-out parents seek me out, OK?

By: Anchulee

Anchulee — Mon, 26 Nov 2007 22:49:01 +0000

mom,
im not saying that you were ever a bad mother. and yes i made a choice..may it not have been the right one i made it..i have told you and dad how much i have appreciated everything you have done for me, and i hold to that…so please never doubt that i never aknowledged the work and love and money for that fact that you have put in my life..i respect what you do to help other families and in time i will respect the way you have raised Dora..she made her choice and im happy that she is doing well…you may say i could have turned out the same way but from my view with the differences in the way you raised us and the choices you made to do that i really dont see how that would have been to possible…i remember you saying one day that i was like your guinea pig…you learned a lot from me…on what worked and didnt work…glad i could help you…and i hope you and the rest of the family never doubt that i do love you all and im sorry that this never worked out the way we all planned it…i believe that and i cant believe im saying this, but what you do and say to help others is working for them…but i continue to ask for respect in leaving my life from this point further out of your blog…and if i decide to contact my other brothers and sisters the information i give them that they share with you doesnt end up on here…

By: Nancy Spoolstra

Nancy Spoolstra — Mon, 26 Nov 2007 22:30:37 +0000

Fearless, you really should stop posting under a pseudonym …

By: rebrev

rebrev — Mon, 26 Nov 2007 22:30:08 +0000

The best writers and preachers are those who have the strongest and most acute observational skills about life and living. Blogs are a new opportunity for writers to write their observations about their lives. Much has been written about the ‘voyeuristic’ nature of blogs. I remain really curious about the aspect of ’sharing’ what happens in our families. I agree with all those who say that the sharing done in Nancy’s blog is quite helpful to their own thinking. It has been for me. It helps me to think about how I have shared information about my daughters, and how I want to in the future. When my eldest daughter was 15 and in a respite situation, we lost the respite because I was accused of saying something about the respite situation to someone who I was told had no business knowing what I said. It was incredibly painful to me. Our daughter moved back with the family and some very unhealthy and unsafe behavior occurred. I observe my daughters ‘over-share’ in new situations and it usually has adverse effects on their relationships with others in those situations. What is the ‘right’ amount of sharing regarding our mixed-up families? How do we make decisions about what we share? What may be most important is that we make principled decisions about what we share with others and can live with the consequence when people disagree.

By: fearless

fearless — Mon, 26 Nov 2007 22:26:44 +0000

Nancy,
i believe you should take a break. I have told you the things I have needed to tell you and i hope you can let this bad paranting pass you by in the right manner. You have reached a boiling point and if you stop your signing own history as paranoid. i beleive you have the best intentions in your heart, I also believe they are lost at this time. I hope the break will help you and bring you back to “what your family was us to”. You need to listen to your own self and no one else. this is the only way you can figure what “Nancy” needs. Believe me I know. The final “Questions” to you Nancy is: will you keep adding wood to the fire and let the stew boil over or will you let it cool down? Nacy i ment no harm wen i tried tellin you the things i did and im sorry for that if i did. But i was feelng the need to help in any way i could even if it ment for you to see the what i was seeing. I think you will get over this and i hope in a good grace with all but if not then i know you did see even for a glimps of the reality.

By: AngelaW

AngelaW — Mon, 26 Nov 2007 20:04:44 +0000

I have a relative who has Borderline Personality Disorder. She is in the process of dying (over 80 years old).

Frankly.. over time... I have learned not to vent about this relative. I have learned not to talk about her for more then 10 minutes.

The could-a, should-a, would-a feelings start growing the longer I think about her. If only XXXX had behaved different.

I just have to let it (feelings, expectations, thoughts) go. Otherwise I damage myself.

So now I am going to be forward here... I don't think you need to shut anything out.

Just let go.

If you have time here is an interesting link on letting go and attachment.

http://www.beliefnet.com/story/58/story_5846_1.html

I am not a Buddhist, but I find helpful things in Buddhist writings.

By: paulukon

paulukon — Mon, 26 Nov 2007 19:53:21 +0000

Nancy, have you considered doing something completely different for upcoming holidays? Maybe not this year if you can’t make plans quickly, but think about it for next year. It’s a bit less likely that you will have the memories flooding back if you aren’t in the same situations. For instance, go to the Wisconsin Dells for Christmas or go horseback riding all day for Thanksgiving or go to a Chinese food restaurant for the 4th of July. (When I studied abroad in London, we did that on Thanksgiving, although we could have gone any number of places serving an American meal. It was intentionally done by our leaders since it was so different that what we were missing back home.)