In the last several posts, I have been discussing the dynamics in our families that result in crisis situations. Some of the information has been drawn from Jodee Kulp’s book Families at Risk, and some has been from my own experiences. In this post I’d like to examine why parents are reticent to ask for help.


Sometimes, families simply don’t know how truly pathological their situation has become. In their effort to deal with “the tree” right in front of them, they totally lose sight of the forest. They are emotionally shut down and merely operating on auto-pilot.


At some point or on some level they realize their lives are out of control, but they are barely hanging on at this point and to do anything else, even something that might help, is inconceivable. Additionally, to address the huge problem in their family means to acknowledge it, and that is a very scary proposition.


Some parents are afraid of the stigma associated with asking for help, or they are reluctant to expose their family problems. Some don’t want to be considered a parental failure.


Some would be happy to ask their caseworker for help and have … again and again and again. But they never hear from the caseworker, so why bother? Or he/she calls but has nothing to offer … and then doesn’t call again for weeks or months. How much help is that?


And here is the most critical reason of all … calling for help puts you at the mercy of the folks who wield a great deal of power. What if “they” decide you haven’t been doing it right all along? What if “they” further handicap your efforts, making it even less feasible for you to parent this child? What if “they” pull this child that you struggle with but still have managed to love?


I have seen Cindy Bodie post that she has social service and agency workers who support her. They are a team and they apparently work together to address the issues. It isn’t a “we/they” proposition. How cool is that? And how rare?


If agency personnel and social service workers knew what they needed to know to really help our families, this fear of asking for help would dramatically decrease. But when the parent is painfully aware of the fact that they know way more than the young, unmarried, idealistic caseworker who will show up at their door, and that the parent will have to train the person who holds most of the cards… YIKES! Why would anyone play that hand?


My first significant hotline call resulted in just such a caseworker coming to my door. I spent three hours with her, simply educating her about attachment issues and traumatized kids, and she left with an armload of books, articles, and other resources. She said, "I wish all our foster and adoptive parents were as knowledgeable as you!" Well, I wish all the caseworkers I met from that point forward were half as interested in learning as she proved to be. I have met some great social workers, and I have met some real, ummm, not-so-great ones ...

Check out this article on False Abuse Allegations.


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