In the series of posts I just completed, I discussed our purpose in parenting our challenging children, and how we should best measure our success. Being satisfied that the gift is in the giving is a very, very difficult concept to absorb, but it really is true. It is an easy concept when one thinks about more accepted areas of giving, like Christmas or birthdays. As children mature into adults, most of them learn that the true joy of Christmas or other gift-giving holidays is in watching people you love open a gift you thoughtfully created or purchase or arranged. The joy of the gift is truly in the giving.


But what if the recipient was always unhappy with what you offered? What if they snarled and groused and destroyed your gift? What if they told you all the things that were wrong with what you gave? What if your offerings were never enough? Would there still be joy in the giving?


What if we offered gifts to someone too poor to reciprocate? If we offered year after year, would we eventually expect something in return? Would we be happy in giving indefinitely with no expected return? If the person were too poor financially to give, would we expect some kind of return effort on their part, something that cost no money but required some sort of effort or thought? Something that proved to us that we were important enough to that person that they would make an effort on our behalf … ?


Doesn’t that then become conditional giving? But, isn’t it human to want that response?


One of my friends (who has very tough kids) believes birthdays should always be celebrated by the family no matter what the attitude or the contribution of the child. (Although I think one of her kids was so difficult for so long she modified her view …) I can’t say I did a stellar job of giving presents to snarky kids no matter what. I finally grew weary of giving, giving, giving and seeing nothing coming back. No reciprocity exhibited on other family members’ birthdays; nothing coming back at Christmas or Mother’s Day or Father’s Day. I concluded it was not a very good real-world lesson for someone to continually get something and give nothing in return.


Nancy Thomas expected her kids to have gifts to give at Christmas or they were excluded from the gift exchange and included in the rest of the holiday celebration. We eventually took that approach with Amy, after years and years of trying to get her to participate appropriately.


So what I am saying here is that while I totally and completely agree that we should define our parenting experience by what we are giving rather than what we receive … I would be the very first one to say this is an unbelievably hard thing to do.


And the struggle continues …

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