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Sometimes people ask me “How will I know when my child is attached?”
That is one of those questions that doesn’t have a single answer. First of all attachment is a marathon, not a sprint. Your child does not suddenly become attached over night. It is a gradual process and you may be able to pinpoint when something in your relationship changes, but chances are you will not know the exact moment when it happens.
The other issue is that all kids are different, even if they have the same parents. Even in biological children there are vast personality differences and interests. Genetics or parenting does not solely determine who or what a child will become.
Kids with attachment issues have usually come from a background of abuse or neglect. That’s not always the case, but it is the vast majority. No two children have the same history. The extent of the abuse or neglect, the number of caregivers, genetic history and even region of the world are variables in a child’s development. Children’s histories are as unique as their fingerprints.
I have two children. Sammy is 15 and joined our family nine and a half years ago. Hannah is 7 and joined our family just about two years ago. I have learned a lot in the time between these two children and had two foster children that lived with us for almost a year and a half between the time of Sammy joining our home and Hannah coming.
All of these experiences taught us a lot of things and how I “work” with Hannah is vastly different from what I did with Sammy at the same age, but Hannah’s history is quite different. She does not have mental illness, she has no issues with fetal alcohol effects, and she had significantly fewer moves than Sammy did. Their levels of attachment are vastly different as well.
Sammy is attached but not in a manner that most people would consider attached. He has been in out of home care for the last three years. He does not care to spend time with us as a family for very long, but he does want us to come visit him occasionally and when things are not going well and he needs someone to talk to, he calls us. He has told us point blank that we are the only ones that have ever put up with everything he dishes out and that he knows we will always be there for him. He tells us he loves us, but it is in his own way.
For many people this would not be enough, but it is what we have and we really don’t have a lot of choice in the matter. We can accept that this is what he is willing to give or we can completely distance ourselves from him.
Hannah is Sammy’s polar opposite. I had met Katharine Leslie at each of ATN’s annual conferences. Katharine met Hannah briefly at our conference in 2007, but she got a chance to spend a fair amount of time with Hannah at our conference in June of this year. When Katharine and I met at the elevator toward the end of the conference, she asked me if Hannah was our biological child. I considered that to be one of the greatest compliments. When I told her Hannah’s story she was shocked. Katharine felt that Hannah was completely attached to us and I whole heartedly agree.
Hannah is an affectionate child who trusts as only a child can. She knows that we will keep her safe at all times and if I tell her someone is safe, she has no reason to question that. There were a few times that showed me that Hannah trusted me. The first was about a week after she joined our home. I instituted “cuddle time” as part of our daily routine. Every day for at least an hour she would have to let me hold her in my lap. We usually did it after lunch each day. Within a week she was falling asleep and napping in my arms. This was something that she only allowed herself to do once in over two years with her previous mom.
Another time also involved sleeping. We were out to dinner with some friends, and Hannah went with us. It was early in her placement and she had not left my side yet. She was tired at dinner but we weren’t ready to leave yet. She sat on my lap and fell asleep in the middle of the restaurant. She knew it was safe to sleep there because I would keep her safe.
Each of my kids is attached to me but in varying degrees. Your child may fall somewhere in between these two. What it looks like with your child will be determined by your child.
Photo credit – My kids
