I recently blogged about "What does therapeutic attachment parenting look like?" A reader responded she could understand why a parent would hold an out-of-control child, but she struggled to understand why one would hold a child for basic non-compliance.


The holding of a child who won't do what you ask is not PUNISHMENT. The bottom line is, you are the mom and your kid is the kid. For them to be safe and blossom under your care, they need to listen to you, internalize you, WANT to please you. That is what relationship is all about. This doesn't squelch their individualism, it just helps them mold their responses around what is good for the family unit, and ultimately good for them. So when you have a new kiddo (or even one who has been with you a long time) who doesn't want to do what they are supposed to do.... you certainly can


1) choose to entirely ignore the fact you made a request; or
2) try and coerce them into complying, with yelling or whatever;
3) Plead, beg and cajole them into complying (hopefully); or
4) Calmly hold them until they internalize you and address *whatever* is getting in the way of their compliance.


Deborah Hage is fond of saying, "Children behave the way they behave because they think the way they think." They are AFRAID to love you... AFRAID to give up control. You can YELL at them to convince them to comply... but that won't help their fear. You can PLEAD with them to get them to comply, but that makes you look weak and certainly not someone capable of being in control. Or, you can take them in your arms and with voice and body language and authority, SHOW them you are strong enough to handle whatever they dish out, as well as strong enough to help them figure out and find whatever is keeping them from complying.


There are many cultures and societies where children are worn on a parent or stay within touching distance of a parent for several years. If they deregulate or make poor decisions, a parent is right there to get them back on track. I practiced this approach with Beth and six years later she tells me often how safe, comfortable and secure she feels holed up with me in the rocking chair every night. Read the book, "I'll Love You Forever" about a mom who rocks her son every night, and then he grows up and starts rocking her. Maybe that will be Beth and me?