Julie Fuller blogged about losing Christmas presents for unacceptable behavior, and this really rang a chime with me. I just had to comment on this …

I know of a family who had a child who never, ever participated in birthday or Christmas gift exchanges. In fact, the family used to joke about the fact that as they were all sitting down for the birthday dinner, this child would run to the computer and quickly print off a generic birthday card, signed on the computer. Literally at the very, very last minute.

The mom of this family attended a Nancy Thomas seminar sponsored by ATN, and during that workshop, Nancy Thomas said no child in her household was allowed to participate in Christmas if they didn’t participate. Meaning, nothing coming from the child to other family members meant the child was not invited to be a part of the gift exchange at all.

This mom decided it was about time to implement that approach in her household, so she went home and told the child the new rules. It was August at this point, so this child had many opportunities to make plans.

Christmas arrived; the child had nothing for anyone else, and therefore did not join the family for the gift exchange. Extended family was a bit nonplussed, but they survived.

According to Nancy Thomas, she had seen very, very few kids who didn’t make a different plan the following year. Alas, this family had one of those “rare” children, because the next year, and the next year, and most of the years after that were much the same. This child considered bathing on the holiday to be optional, much less buying gifts …

For the first decade of this child’s life, she was given many gifts and received nearly all the same perks as the healthy kids. There were birthday parties at Chuck E. Cheese, homemade holiday dresses and many, many presents. No effort was made to return the kindness on birthdays celebrated by the other family members.

Julie Fuller talked about taking her family out for ice cream but opting not to buy the treat for contrary family members. Julie said her ice cream never tasted quite as good, but the lost privilege did impact the child, so it was worth it. In the family with the non-reciprocal child, the holiday lost some of its luster when one member chose not to participate, but the resentment that resulted when all gifts only went one way (year after year after year) surpassed the family's awareness of the child’s absence during the gift exchange.

I am at the point in my life where I don’t want a gift if it isn’t given in the spirit of true joy. I don’t want the perfunctory birthday card, given because someone was supposed to give it. I’m for being real, and for many of our kids, that means we don’t feel like giving them stuff, and they don’t feel like giving us stuff. I don’t know that I agree with a point system of withdrawing presents as utilized by Julie Fuller’s friend; I think one needs to look at the bigger picture overall.

For what it is worth, I was shopping a couple of weeks ago and spied something that reminded me of Tommy, so I bought it. It was only after I brought it home that I realized I had no address for where to send it. Oh well.

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