Comments on: What to do about Christmas and birthday presents http://attachment-disorder.adoptionblogs.com/weblogs/what-to-do-about-christmas-and-birthday Addresses challenges faced by parents of children with Reactive Attachment Disorder and provides news and support. Sat, 14 Nov 2009 20:16:58 -0700 http://wordpress.org/?v=2.8.4 hourly 1 By: nancyderen http://attachment-disorder.adoptionblogs.com/weblogs/what-to-do-about-christmas-and-birthday/comment-page-1#comment-2790 nancyderen Thu, 13 Dec 2007 01:33:36 +0000 http://reactive-att.www.adoptionblogs.com/2007/12/12/what-to-do-about-christmas-and-birthday#comment-2790 I think a lot about the kind of issues that scrapsbynobody brings up, and am very torn about which choices teach more about the meaning of Christmas. My daughter has been dealing with more anger lately about her losses, previous placements, bio family, etc. and has gone into a very self-centered phase. I talk to her a lot about how Christmas is to celebrate Jesus's birthday, and if she chooses not to celebrate Jesus's life by following his teachings about loving and giving to one another, the Golden Rule, treating others as she wants to be treated, then she should not expect to celebrate His birth by getting stuff. Then today, she was suspended from school for stabbing her teacher with a pen in a rage because a special event was cancelled. I'm not feeling a lot of Christmas spirit at the moment! But I've only had her for 3 years, and she has 12 years of deprivation before that, so if she can get herself to participate with me in continuing on the scrapbook albums we're making for family, without a major attitude, then she will get the benefit of Christams presents, whatever other behaviors she has. If not, I don't know whether modelling giving for her by giving gifts or teaching consequences by not giving would do her more good. I think a lot about the kind of issues that scrapsbynobody brings up, and am very torn about which choices teach more about the meaning of Christmas. My daughter has been dealing with more anger lately about her losses, previous placements, bio family, etc. and has gone into a very self-centered phase. I talk to her a lot about how Christmas is to celebrate Jesus’s birthday, and if she chooses not to celebrate Jesus’s life by following his teachings about loving and giving to one another, the Golden Rule, treating others as she wants to be treated, then she should not expect to celebrate His birth by getting stuff. Then today, she was suspended from school for stabbing her teacher with a pen in a rage because a special event was cancelled. I’m not feeling a lot of Christmas spirit at the moment! But I’ve only had her for 3 years, and she has 12 years of deprivation before that, so if she can get herself to participate with me in continuing on the scrapbook albums we’re making for family, without a major attitude, then she will get the benefit of Christams presents, whatever other behaviors she has. If not, I don’t know whether modelling giving for her by giving gifts or teaching consequences by not giving would do her more good.

]]> By: Nancy Spoolstra http://attachment-disorder.adoptionblogs.com/weblogs/what-to-do-about-christmas-and-birthday/comment-page-1#comment-2789 Nancy Spoolstra Wed, 12 Dec 2007 23:40:28 +0000 http://reactive-att.www.adoptionblogs.com/2007/12/12/what-to-do-about-christmas-and-birthday#comment-2789 Very, very good point Scraps. In the family I described, the reality is, the recalcitrant child DID receive a gift or two, and she often opened them at the end when the main festivities were over. Your point about deserving the gift is well-taken! Very, very good point Scraps. In the family I described, the reality is, the recalcitrant child DID receive a gift or two, and she often opened them at the end when the main festivities were over. Your point about deserving the gift is well-taken!

]]> By: scrapsbynobody http://attachment-disorder.adoptionblogs.com/weblogs/what-to-do-about-christmas-and-birthday/comment-page-1#comment-2788 scrapsbynobody Wed, 12 Dec 2007 23:29:46 +0000 http://reactive-att.www.adoptionblogs.com/2007/12/12/what-to-do-about-christmas-and-birthday#comment-2788 I am having some difficulty with the whole gift giving issue. I totally agree that in an ideal world our children should receive gifts with gratitude, and exercise some reciprocity in relationship by giving to others. And I'm all for discipline and consequences. Believe me when I say that buying gifts for my ungrateful, unplugged children has been a challenge for me in the attitude department! But as I feel myself shriveling up with sourness, I have to examine why I give gifts during this season at all. If it is to remember Christ's birth, and the gift he gave me...well, I'm pretty ungrateful, undeserving, and unplugged myself. If I was only gifted when I deserved it, and not because I was loved, I would be pretty impoverished indeed. But as for removal from family festivities because a child is making themselves obnoxious, I have NO problem with that! I am having some difficulty with the whole gift giving issue. I totally agree that in an ideal world our children should receive gifts with gratitude, and exercise some reciprocity in relationship by giving to others. And I’m all for discipline and consequences. Believe me when I say that buying gifts for my ungrateful, unplugged children has been a challenge for me in the attitude department! But as I feel myself shriveling up with sourness, I have to examine why I give gifts during this season at all. If it is to remember Christ’s birth, and the gift he gave me…well, I’m pretty ungrateful, undeserving, and unplugged myself. If I was only gifted when I deserved it, and not because I was loved, I would be pretty impoverished indeed.

But as for removal from family festivities because a child is making themselves obnoxious, I have NO problem with that!

]]> By: Lindy http://attachment-disorder.adoptionblogs.com/weblogs/what-to-do-about-christmas-and-birthday/comment-page-1#comment-2787 Lindy Wed, 12 Dec 2007 21:26:39 +0000 http://reactive-att.www.adoptionblogs.com/2007/12/12/what-to-do-about-christmas-and-birthday#comment-2787 We have experienced this lack of desire to buy or give to anyone in the family, but expecting gifts from everyone. Last year I explained to her that she had so many options for giving (i.e. her time, coupons for jobs, etc.). She printed out these AFTER Christmas and didn't follow through on any of the jobs. This year she asked to do jobs to earn money....has done only one job and hasn't offered to do any more. However, she did help, along with everyone else in the family, to put up outside decorations. Then promptly asked for payment for her efforts. It's all about her, always. I've really cut back on her gifts this year, but haven't gotten to the point of not giving her anything. My extended family would revolt and turn on me like crazy if I did. She probably won't like most of what she receives and will complain to anyone who listens that her Christmas was lousy. Oh well. We have experienced this lack of desire to buy or give to anyone in the family, but expecting gifts from everyone. Last year I explained to her that she had so many options for giving (i.e. her time, coupons for jobs, etc.). She printed out these AFTER Christmas and didn’t follow through on any of the jobs. This year she asked to do jobs to earn money….has done only one job and hasn’t offered to do any more. However, she did help, along with everyone else in the family, to put up outside decorations. Then promptly asked for payment for her efforts. It’s all about her, always. I’ve really cut back on her gifts this year, but haven’t gotten to the point of not giving her anything. My extended family would revolt and turn on me like crazy if I did. She probably won’t like most of what she receives and will complain to anyone who listens that her Christmas was lousy. Oh well.

]]> By: NCOZADD@aol.com http://attachment-disorder.adoptionblogs.com/weblogs/what-to-do-about-christmas-and-birthday/comment-page-1#comment-2786 NCOZADD@aol.com Wed, 12 Dec 2007 21:05:07 +0000 http://reactive-att.www.adoptionblogs.com/2007/12/12/what-to-do-about-christmas-and-birthday#comment-2786 Doing this did not always mean much to our son. However, not having to deal with his antisocial behaviours made the celebration much more pleasant for everyone else. Doing this did not always mean much to our son. However, not having to deal with his antisocial behaviours made the celebration much more pleasant for everyone else.

]]> By: Julia Fuller http://attachment-disorder.adoptionblogs.com/weblogs/what-to-do-about-christmas-and-birthday/comment-page-1#comment-2785 Julia Fuller Wed, 12 Dec 2007 18:57:40 +0000 http://reactive-att.www.adoptionblogs.com/2007/12/12/what-to-do-about-christmas-and-birthday#comment-2785 Thanks for the insight Nancy. Thanks for the insight Nancy.

]]> By: condo-mom http://attachment-disorder.adoptionblogs.com/weblogs/what-to-do-about-christmas-and-birthday/comment-page-1#comment-2784 condo-mom Wed, 12 Dec 2007 18:53:38 +0000 http://reactive-att.www.adoptionblogs.com/2007/12/12/what-to-do-about-christmas-and-birthday#comment-2784 Nancy -- Interesting -- and timely -- topic. My oldest is just 14, so we are just entering the paid employment stage of life around here. Just yesterday the 2 oldest began volunteering at our nearby library. (They would be glad to hire the 14yo, but we said No because the minimum number of hours they want is 12, and he does not have 12 free hours/week right now.) So I foresee gift-giving becoming much MORE difficult for our daughter in the coming era, rather than LESS so. This is because instead of spending allowance money, I hope that in the coming year Joy will begin spending money she has Actually Earned Herself. And I expect that to make NO Sense to her !! So at what age will I stop helping/forcing her to think of others and buy or make gifts for others? Not for awhile yet -- maybe not until she leaves home -- which could be a Long, Long Time, if ever. She WILL receive gifts, because her parents and siblings DO care about her and DO love her, and she has friends and relatives who feel the same. Therefore she WILL be giving gifts to others. I wonder if I will ever get to the qe-sera-sera stage with her in this area? In many ways throughout the year I do practice that policy, but do all her losses (field trips, time with friends, shared experiences) mean much to her? Results are not yet in . . . Rachel Nancy –

Interesting — and timely — topic. My oldest is just 14, so we are just entering the paid employment stage of life around here. Just yesterday the 2 oldest began volunteering at our nearby library. (They would be glad to hire the 14yo, but we said No because the minimum number of hours they want is 12, and he does not have 12 free hours/week right now.) So I foresee gift-giving becoming much MORE difficult for our daughter in the coming era, rather than LESS so. This is because instead of spending allowance money, I hope that in the coming year Joy will begin spending money she has Actually Earned Herself. And I expect that to make NO Sense to her !!

So at what age will I stop helping/forcing her to think of others and buy or make gifts for others? Not for awhile yet — maybe not until she leaves home — which could be a Long, Long Time, if ever. She WILL receive gifts, because her parents and siblings DO care about her and DO love her, and she has friends and relatives who feel the same. Therefore she WILL be giving gifts to others. I wonder if I will ever get to the qe-sera-sera stage with her in this area? In many ways throughout the year I do practice that policy, but do all her losses (field trips, time with friends, shared experiences) mean much to her? Results are not yet in . . .

Rachel

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