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I spent the day dealing with Hurricane Dora, who is dead tired (as we all are) from the conference; processing the aftermath of four hours of intense therapy; and probably starting to emerge from a honeymoon phase. The plan was for her to go to the Chiefs game today with Beth and my husband, but Dora was not football game material. She stayed with me and honed her passive/aggressive skills. I have to say, Dora is far easier (at least so far) than most kids I have experienced (or maybe my experience level is working in my favor) but still this is by no means easy. As I mentioned in my last post, I’m tired. I was supposed to get a day off today, but oh well.
I heard from Barbee, the Kansas mom I met on the plane on the way to the conference, that she attended a session at ATTACh that discussed ATTACh’s White Paper. ATTACh is writing a Parent Manual to accompany the White Paper (which is more geared towards clinicians.) Apparently there is something in the Parent Manual that mentions dissolutions (the more proper term for disruptions) and Barbee heard a discussion about removing that section from the Parent Manual. The explanation given for not discussing this topic was that addressing it or acknowledging it might put ideas in the parents’ minds that wouldn’t have occurred to them otherwise. The message that was preferred was that dissolution was not an option and shouldn’t even be mentioned.
ATN was founded on the principle that parents need and deserve support and resources, which includes knowledgeable, available, and realistic professionals who are willing to acknowledge the reality of the difficulties inherent in parenting traumatized children, and who support those parents in their struggles. It has been my platform all along that ignoring or denying our reality does nothing to help us be successful, or just survive the placement if that is the best we can do. I learned long ago in veterinary practice that I could be the most fabulous veterinarian on the planet, but if I wasn’t successful in connecting with the owner of the pet, they wouldn’t bring the pet back to me. If I couldn’t treat the pet, it didn’t matter how awesome my skills were! So it is with parents and therapists … if they don’t support and validate and appreciate us, we aren’t going to return. Period!
That is one of the things that I really appreciate about ATN – the freedom to be me! Specifically, I appreciate the way that I can feel and give voice to what is inside of me regarding my RADish, and not feel condemed for being honest. Once expressed, parents such as myself can then explore avenues of help, without feeling judged or dismissed.
It is outrageous that a professional organization that is trying to help traumatized children would attempt to censor information that is relevant to their parents. Parents will think about and find out about dissolution/disruption options anyway if they are at that point of desperation. By not providing full information in their parent manual, ATTACh will simply damage any faith and trust parents may have in them as an organization. Such an action will make it clear that parents are not considered equal partners in the quest to help our children, but inferiors incapable of making sound judgments based on complete information. Its a very paternal and offensive attitude. A better approach would be to help give parents a framework for evaluating when a dissolution may be best for the child and/or for the survival of the family AND to emphasize all the tools and support available for families who don’t want or don’t need to disrupt but don’t know what else to do.
well said
professional guidelines are necessary. the hush hush approach is consistent with history tho. It goes hand in hand with not really preping the parents for reality before placement. Kind of the “let’s just cross our fingers and hope for the best” approach.
dissolution was our last choice, not our first. we were given the choice to bring our girl home immediately, (with no treatment) or relinquish rights. that’s like being given the choice to jump off a cliff, or give up your first born. oh, we did have one other option. go to jail. now that would have been really good for the remaining five at home? plus, bringing her home would have placed a known abuser in our home (her), which is also a setup for legal action towards removal of other dependent minors. but would have left her in the home.
We’d already done attachment therapy for three years, plus five other traditional therapies prior to that, all with agency direction and involvement. The conclusion at the end of the day? must be the fault of the family.
The whole thing just makes me mad. not just sad covered up with mad. but real, honest, mad. (see how well I’ve learned to speak therapist?)
The reality is that probably most of us in the trenches with our RADs have at least thought about disruption on more than one occasion. It would make so much more sense to bring the possibility of disruption out in the open with honest, forthright solutions to impossible situations, rather than try to ignore that there will be times when disruption is the best possible solu/tion for families (and children). I can’t imagine being a wounded child living in a famiy who resents every single minute of his/her existance and can’t possibly nuture with love. As we all know, some children need so much more than family structure in order to be safe and keep those around them safe. This is a fact of life. We can paint pretty pictures all we want, but some children aren’t family material and sometimes families don’t know this until they have them in their homes for a while. Love comes in all forms. Sometimes loving a child means giving them a different experience in healing that doesn’t involve family life. Sounds strange to the world outside of RAD, but we all know what I’m talking about. Let’s put dissolution/disruption out in the open and talk about it just as we do about all other aspects of adoption. Social workers…..listen up
I didn’t like the White Paper when it came out, and I have a feeling I’m going to like this manual even less.
How many of board members are parents???
I don’t know, Kelly. The last couple of parents I knew on the board have resigned … when I looked at the ATTACh site, all the listed BOD members are clinicians of some sort, but I know at least three of them also had tough kids. I don’t see any listed on the site that are “just” parents, though.