These are my thoughts about the AT, and I apologize, if I'm out in left field. This family is described as being in crisis mode. I'm wondering why the therapist, didn't schedule a session with the parents, to get the ball rolling. If the child would have all the symptoms of diabetes/cancer, would the doctors, ask the parents to sit back and regroup? Why are mental illnesses viewed differently, even by some therapists?

Good question, one which I will address in the next installment ...

“… although I know as a human being he has value, I also have to consider the three of us and not sacrifice us for just the one.”

Wow, DH and I were just talking about this today. We know now just how lucky we were to hae the team we did on our side with DS. Our foster son has not been so lucky, and we had a very similar discussion where I made (or he did, can't remember) a similar statement as the mom you're talking about did.

We keep trying to look on the bright side, we do feel safe, he is not violent...and now we've run the risk of minimizing his situation. The fact that we are ignored and have an adversaral relationship with our social workers has, of course, clouded the situation as well.

Keep talking, Nancy, maybe someday enough of our voices will be heard, for our kids' sake.

Is it possible there is bipolar or something else, in addition to attachment disorder? Is the school district helping at all? Is county mental health supporting them/him with wrap-around services? Sorry for all the questions--I just happened upon this post and don't know the background of the family, or even this blog.

Dubbamom...we are learning by experience that people have very different ideas about what "in crisis" means. You can identify crisis if you happen to be living in the home with it. But as this Mom points out, you don't have a string of letters after your name so it seems less credible. Or if you have a child talking to a mandatory reporter. Then they might label you as "in crisis", but then they come in and take over, and walk all over your family in work boots, trying to "help". And often you are left holding the stirred up hornet's nest, with no real help after all. It is all very discouraging, because all of us had such good intentions when we began this thing. We really never knew how bad it could go. And I know I always believed that help would be available. Now that we are in need, the help is very elusive.

It's me, the mom in the story again. I have a question. What are wraparound services? Also, with regard to the school, he had gone to a private school and was "uninvited" back due to these summer issues. I know it sounds weird to not invite him back due to this, but he was already on a probationary status.

With regard to what a crisis is, in my mind, a crisis status is when you are so afraid of what is happening in the room that you have to keep going in to make sure your child is not hanging from something. Oh, and total, complete defiance about even the simplest request. The nasty writing on the floor was just a bonus. To me, the catalyst for calling the intervention team was when he pretty much "de-personified" me. I realized I had no voice to him, that I was of no consequence, and that what I said, whatever I said was to be challenged. He was also in the mode of trying to get me upset by doing whatever he wanted. This was after having run away the day before, with his brother.

I could almost tolerate the reputation-smearing lying behind my back to people at the school where I work, but when it got to the no longer feeling safe part, to the part where I had no idea what he would do next, that he, in my mind, was capable of pretty much anything, then I knew it was time for me to get off the rollercoaster. And the scariest part to me was that just a week before, he was acting pretty normal. Then he had three total shutdowns, a run away, and then this very bizarre-acting episode, all within a calendar week. Before I heard of his desire to kill me, I had already hidden the knives, the medications, and had insisted on a lock on the bedroom door. That should indicate a crisis. But I agree that a crisis would differ from family to family. If a child has always been rude, for example, the level of rudeness I got that day might be within the norms for him. But this was like a total personality change.

And with regard to someone who mentioned bipolar, who knows? It could be, although I have never seen him in a manic state where he is super active or super happy. His only emotion is anger.

Thanks for writing, folks. Keep up the postings!!

Anger and irritability are often the 'manic' part of bipolar in kids.

As for crisis, around here the police define it as being an immediate threat to themselves or others, as in, holding a knife to your throat, or threatening to jump off a roof or something. If THEY don't SEE it, they can't take the person to the psych hospital. We had some police officers (male!) almost in tears because they couldn't legally

do anything, even though they KNEW that something needed to be done.

Wrap-around services in our area are provided by County Mental Health. Sometimes it's the Department of Social Services. They include things such as respite care, transportation of the child to and from school, a behavior specialist who comes to the home (I was offered this only after it was too late); counseling for the family and individual counseling for the child, respite care, a mentor for the child, in-home tutoring, job coaching--it all depends on what they are funded for, I think.

As I don't know your whole story, is your child on an IEP? If not, he should be evaluated by the public school district. This is their obligation whether he is enrolled in public school or not. Access to county mental health is easier in our area if the child has an IEP.

Also, check to see if there is something called a 'Regional Center' in your area--sometimes they can be of help. Usually they work with families until a child is three, but depending on the diagnosis, continue working more.

Another thing that I've learned from the bipolar group is that so many things can be co-morbid with it, or can be mistaken as something else when they are really bipolar. Kids present very differently than adults do as far as bipolar goes. Several of the parents have reported that their children have since been given an additional diagnosis of Asperger's or autism. Asperger's, especially, isn't easily identified until kids are in upper elementary grades, in part because they are very verbal (although often in an odd way if you think about it) and they DO want to socialize (they just are terrible at it).

There are many really good RTC's out there, and if it's at all possible, I would see what the school district/county have to say. (Just avoid Yellowstone Boys and Girls Ranch in Billings, Montana--I just read a true horror story about that place today).

I am so sorry you are having such difficulties. I definitely felt cheated about what I expected for my family (adopted and biological). Living with mental illness in the family is extremely draining and the after-effects are likened to PTSD for the caretakers.