I talked to a mom this morning who has already signed up for ATN’s conference this August. I am really getting excited about this event, for many reasons. But probably the most significant reason is how energized everyone feels when they are actually in the physical proximity of other parents who are leading parallel lives. As long as I have been living this life, and as stress-free as my parenting existence is now, with no challenging kids under my roof, I still need the validation and support that comes from being around like-minded people.


At the conference, I won’t have to wonder how folks are receiving what I am saying. I won’t have to endure the nasty looks that come my way if I hold my children accountable—even my healthy ones, the ones who don’t radiate the “poor poor pitiful me” persona. Everyone around me will be on the same journey, and the value of that camaraderie is hard to quantify.


I just learned that there is a good possibility that Deborah Hannah’s daughters will join my daughter and Julie Beem’s daughter on the “Sibling Panel” workshop. I will have the privilege of moderating that panel and I can’t wait. I know Deb Hannah’s children have been through the mill, and they will be honest and forthright in their portrayal of the impact their family’s experiences had upon their lives.


And speaking of that, I had an interesting conversation with Stephanie a couple of nights ago. We were having one of those great, late-night mom/daughter talks that go from A to B to C and end up keeping you up until after 1 AM. Steph has long expressed an interest in adopting. That in and of itself speaks volumes. But she articulated a couple of nights ago that she is struggling within herself over one aspect of her plans to adopt.


She figures because she “knows so much” she should willingly sign up for tough kids. But she’d really rather get a “Beth”. She feels badly that she would prefer a Beth … and so the struggle goes.


I know there are some incredible families out there who take very hard kids quite willingly. I know because I facilitate too darn many disruptions where I network with folks who network with folks and together we find those very families. But most people, I think, feel like Stephanie. (Many folks don't even understand why some of us adopt, much less understand why someone would choose to parent a challenging child!) Most people would rather parent a child who gives back, who some times, in some ways, fills the parent’s tank, even as the parent is filling (or trying to fill) the child’s tank.


Goodness of fit is important in adoption, but realistic expectations are critical as well. The closer your expectations match your reality, the more successful your parenting experience will be.


What is our purpose in parenting? That is a question I will answer shortly, as I reflect on more of Deborah Hannah’s wisdom.

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