How can a perspective adoptive parent separate the Hallmark movies from the Lifetime movies?
How can a person avoid panicing and expecting the worse, but at the same time, avoid deluding themselves into thinking it will all be ok and there will be a smiling end credit scene that is warm and cozy?

I agree, Nancy, that many parents do not have a frame of reference for what is about to happen--that includes the non-parents who think that getting pg and adopting at the same time will work out fine! That being the case, workers should be doing better screening and preparation for all kids, especially those who will have special needs (which, according to Dr. Dana Johnson, the "dean" of adoption medicine) includes virtually every child adopted internationally.)

Workers, then, MUST have a realistic frame of reference, which requires lots of training and continuing ed. Currently, most don't have this--which is why I blame most disruptions more on agencies than on families!

Moreover, agencies have not been given the tools they need to appropriate SCREEN as well as PREPARE families. This has only recently begun to be part of the "conversation." In Nurturing Adoptions, Deborah advocates the use of the Adult Attachment Inventory as a useful tool for those workers TRAINED to use it. To accompany that, she offers a number os suggestions, including a list of questions to discuss (we've posted that as an article on our website athttp://www.perspectivespress.com/parentassess.html.)

Atop that, the child, too, must be properly assessed and prepared to make a realistic match with the family.

You've been through a disruption yourself. Did you feel that you and that child had been properly screened and prepared and ultimately supported for that adoption?

I don't think that what I (and Deborah, and other child advocates) are suggesting is overly idealistic. It wouldn't cost that much more to use the right tools and train "professionals" more effectively to serve families more effectively.

Pat

I am seriously curious about the percentage of parents who "disrupt" their relationship/connection with a biological child vs. the percentage of parents who "disrupt" their relationship/connection with an adopted child when the behaviors of the child could be considered equal in each situation. I bet there's a great disparity there. I absolutely agree that there are situations that warrant disruption, that is not my issue, but if we get really honest, isn't the fact that a child with difficult behaviors is adopted something that makes it easier/more acceptable for the parents to disrupt?
Please don't misunderstand me, I am not pointing fingers at anyone who has disrupted an adoption, but I absolutely believe that parents who are blindsided/overwhelmed by a difficult adopted child might view the decision to disrupt as less unacceptable than it would be for the same situation that involved a biological child. With that being the case, not only is idealism and lack of preparedness a problem, but commitment on the part of the parents could be questioned in some cases. In my ideal world, children would come with a tag that reads "Parenting me will be freakin' hard under the best of circumstances...hold on tight, it's going to be a bumpy ride even if I'm perfect."

No matter how well read you are, you can never be fully prepared for the unfolding of the issues affecting each traumatized child, or the impact of these issues on each member of the family. The resources you had prepared in advance in terms of counseling and support may not be enough, or the specialists haven't dealt with this degree of trauma and the physical, biological and psychological impact on the child.
Constantly having to BE the resource when you are overwhelmed and turn to "experts" for help is exhausting. Preadoptive parents can never be fully aware of how these kids needs will overwhelm the families resources.

I want someone to write a manual titled "How to heal your traumatized, attachment challenged, post institutionalized child". I want the specific biomedical interventions, dietary managment, which specialists to take my child to and when, letters detailing how family members can support parents through this difficult journey, dealing with impossible school districts, self and marriage preservation resources written with severe time constraints in mind, nutritional supplements for severely stressed out parents, respite reources, how parenting challenging children changes every aspect of your life,etc. The list goes on and on. I miss the confident, optimistic, minimally cynical person I used to be.

othertheresa - AMEN to that!!! I'd like a copy of that manual too. The deeper we get into this journey, the most obstacles seem to be thrown into our paths and once we've invested all this time and energy into the kids we want to KNOW right then (not 10-20 years from now) that what we're doing in benefiting them. We're constantly being told what we're doing wrong. What are these kids going to do? What kind of life are they going to have when all the adults do is bicker about who did what, who is right, who is wrong. Even the "experts" are over their heads. I don't want to spend three therapy sessions telling the therapist what FASD is, what RAD is, how different bi-polar symptoms are in children than adults, etc. I'm coming to them to learn, to heal. Don't even get me started on the schools....

I had no frame of reference when Love Muffin and I married - at least what a healthy and sustained marriage looked like. But we did train and prepare, and 21 years later, are still going strong.

Conversely, we had no clue about AD when we adopted our eldest (who was 5 at the time), much less what to do should he show signs. Learning how to cope and what to do was largely "On the fly". While we did not disolve his adoption, it is still a relationship that is fractured at best.

Maybe we should all get together and write that manual?

OwensMama--I bet the numbers are higher for biological families because the kids IF we include children removed from their biological families (IE, kids in foster care).

But frankly, outside of abusive homes, it is pretty rare to find RAD kids and others who end up in disruptions. Yes, there surely are some due to mental illness or other internal reasons (inherited or otherwise, but not caused due to abuse or neglect).

Having had a few such kids in my own extended family, all of whom were adopted and none of whom disrupted, I'd actually say it's LESS likely in adoption. You put so much time, effort, and expense into adopting that disruption cannot be an easy proposition.

paulukon--I wasn't including children who were removed from their parents care either involuntarily under whatever accusations or later signing off on their parental rights. In my mind, I was thinking more along the lines of all things being equal such as degree of problem behavior (not necessarily just RAD related, but you don't have to have RAD to exhibit serious problematic behaviors)and also time parented i.e. I would guess that it's less likely that biological parents who have chosen to parent their child to the age of 5 would call some authority (who that is, I couldn't possibly say) and tell them they'd had enough and please come get the child as opposed to adoptive parents who adopt a child at the age of two and parent the child to the age of seven and then decide to disrupt due to RAD behaviors or any other hard-to-handle behaviors. I'm not saying the either scenerio happens with any regularity, but like I said, all things being equal it appears to me that being adopted somehow makes a "disrupted" relationship more acceptable. I also did not mean to imply that anyone in these types of situations takes it lightly or makes the decision easily, but I've certainly read some stories here that made me believe that the parents involved in the disruption were less than sympathetic, committed parents. Before anyone blasts me or hates me, I do not mean that as a blanket statement for anyone involved in a disruption or for anyone here for that matter. It was merely an observation I ran up the flag pole.

IF it really is a practical guide, not a collection of "my stories", Nancy C, I'd love to publish it!

PJ

Anyone who adopts any child (any age, anywhere in the world) should be prepared for an attachment challenged child, because that is what they will get. Sure many adapt sooner/better (or with little or no interventions), but Every child who is placed for adoption IS a traumatized child.
Our big mistake was believing what the people around us told us at the time we adopted. These were healthy newborns, they were fine, perfect. Just take care of them as you would if you had given birth to them. Fact is though, I didn’t. I knew it and they knew it, and attachment issues grew out of our ignoring and not dealing with this very important fact from day one. When I carried them home, I was prepared for mothering healthy infants, not wounded, traumatized newborns. All of my children have had different levels of attachment troubles at different times. One child continued to worsen because we believed the idealistic, “get them when they are tiny and they will be fine,” rhetoric.
Everyone who adopts needs to understand that ALL adopted children have to overcome the trauma of their loss.

OwensMama
I happen to disagree with your assesment that adoption makes for an easier 'disruption'. I think things may escalate more rapidly in case of a 7 through 13 year old adotpee who has severe issues... Then it would be in case of a 7 to 13 year old biological child with let's say a mental ilness. In case of a bio child you have a 7 year history of some positive memories and some increasing troubles. In case of an adoptee you have NO history (incl. positive) and just a mounted illness - a huge problem. I think no matter how ill is bio child there is some positive start before they talk, walk, and start being way negative and problematic.

I am sure there are some uninvested adoptive parents but I also believe that if you put all parents (bio and adoptive) across the board and compared them (percentages), there are good and bad equally represented in both parties.

So basically, regardless of the child's age, where they come from, ect, when I become an adoptive parent I should parent my future child as if there is a risk for attachment issues even if people will make stupid remarks, such as a future partner thinking I am spoiling my child for slinging him?
It makes perfect sense to me. This trauma found in adopted children is a ery real thing that needs to be taken care of.

While it is true most families have no frame of reference for hurt children, there is a bigger problem. The agencies placing these kiddos are afraid to tell. They know if they fully educate parents, there would be many who would "select out," to quote MAPP terminology. To me,that is a much bigger issue. If our family had received proper information up front, we still would have made the same decision, with a much more appropriate tool box. Additionally, we would have been back for our next adoption a lot quicker. It's short term thinking on the part of the agency. Instead, we spent years struggling with the life draining right out of us. Then we all had to wade through a lengthy recovery period. What a waste!

Owensmama,

Kids in the foster system are frequently placed there voluntarily.

The biological mother of my son called social services on New Years eve. Her 18th birthday was the day before. She wanted to go out and party, and could not find a babysitter. She called social services, told them to come pick up the kids. (my son and his older sister) She refused to relinquish her parental right tho, instead drawing the process out to three years. She was a drama queen and played the role of victim to the very end. The bio father made it crystal clear from the beginning he had no interest whatsoever in parenting his children, even as this couple continued to create more.

Then there are the many children of divorce. Not necessarily disrupted legally, but many of those kids have at least one parent who just disappears from the picture.

Then there are all the kids being raised by their grandparents. Having been placed there by their bio parents.

there are more situations that could be discussed, but you get my point.

Just some food for thought.

I was raised by my grandmother more than I was raised by my mother and hardly raised by my father.

I think the issues are only just coming to the surface.

I can't say I know ANY children raised by their bio parents who have the kinds of issues our adopted children have. And believe me when I say that we had a difficult bio son, who made me fantasize about fleeing under cover of darkness. But then, even on his worst day he has only had one cranky Mom, and not eighteen... like our eldest adopted child.

And I just wanted to say that disruptions can happen even when the adoptive family does not want it to. One of our children was removed by the placing agency because they felt the child was endangering the rest of the sibling group. In my opinion, I think they were more afraid the child was endangering their ongoing placement. (One disruption is better than four) By the by, this child was billed as the "most well adjusted of all the children". After recent testing that we insisted upon, they came back with PTSD, RAD, is sexually reactive, and "should not be placed with small animals, younger children, or vulnerable older children". It is suspected an older sibling has FAS or MR, though not confirmed (of course)...so do you think that might constitute "vulnerable"? Not to mention we have a house full of small animals. Or that we work and live at a youth camp. The ugly possibilities are endless.

And yes, we were very clear about our situation, and what we felt we could handle up front. We asked tons of questions, and thought we were getting accurate answers. It didn't do us any good at all. And now I am on the other end of those boxes, packing up all the things we bought with such high hopes, and mailing them off to strangers. It is like grieving a death. But all the while we still have three bio children, and the three extremely needy remaining sibs, who need us to keep going.

Strangers are grilling us about this and that. I feel as though we are on trial before everyone, trying to explain what is going on in some way that people can understand, yet also trying to preserve the family's privacy. Professionals are second guessing us...and why not. Get in line. We second guess ourselves all day long, wondering what we might have done differently.

Yes Othertheresa, I miss the confident, optimistic, minimally cynical person I used to be too.

How sad it is that one can have years of successful parenting experiences, adopt a RAD child, and have hopes, dreams, etc. fly out the window. I do believe that disruptions may play a larger role in adoptive homes simply because the option is available, painful and complicated as it may be. Bio children have the advantage of connections from day one. When the going gets tough (yes, even mental illness) parents have that early bond to sustain them. With adoption, we begin to build from the day the child in placed in our homes, but we are often building on sand, and using inferior tools and misguided instructions. In the absence of a manual for all of us (including professionals) to use when dealing with these wounded children, we need to support one another constantly. This blog is a godsend to many. I so appreciate hearing from parents who are learning right along with me. Please continue to share. If we talk about it enough, maybe we will being to see a shift in thinking in the powers that be (adoption workers, doctors, educators, etc). so that our kids can get the early intervention that is necessary for some healing. It seems to be such an uphill struggle!

I have a question: I understand why some families have to disrupt an adoption. But I do not understand why a family would disrupt an adoption without giving the child a chance to say good bye to the parents, and without any type of connection afterwards, even when the child craves it. Are there ANY circumstances where this is in the best interest of the child?

Yeah, what Lindy said! Especially the part about giving each other constant support. Not the same as constant agreement, for sure, just constant support.

I have found with my RAD brother and with my self that being befriended by charming successful people has been more effective in healing us than trying to fit inside our families. Our family is broken no matter what but that doesn't matter that the irritating little RAD brother of mine is incapable of making attachments. In reading about the frustrations with Amy, with her lack of skills, she still manages to charm someone on the internet. I wonder if she would find some necessary voltage volunteering in a sunny cheap place with good food like Thailand or teaching English in Japan. Maybe the electricity of being in a bigger stream would jolt something in her. Expats can be pretty nice. She sounds like she could use some laughs and be taken outside of herself instead of her major conversational topic being the Evil Family Spoolstra.

I'm very curious about that situation myself, Nicegirl. I'm also totally on board with you, Lindy---well said.

I can only speak from personal experience, in response to the questions about severing all ties with a child. In our case, we are attempting to maintain a relationship with the child who was removed from our home, but it is difficult on many fronts. First, it requires participation from the parties who are caring for the child now. We are having difficulty with that. Second, it takes a huge emotional toll on everyone who was "left behind". And third, distance is our enemy. It is very hard to maintain meaningful contact with an emotionally fractured child via phone or letter. Not impossible, but hard.

In fact, everything about this is very hard. Contact is painful for the siblings of this child, and thus they are actually resistant right now. It is disruptive to our home life on an ongoing basis, and we are positive it is disruptive on the other end, which is why the child's caregivers may be less than supportive of keeping in touch. But in the end, we believe that just "dropping" this child will be terribly harmful to all of the children.

And belongings need not be slung into boxes or garbage bags, though this does seem very common. They can be lovingly packed, with little gifts and notes. It hurts a bit, but it CAN be done.

As someone who uses research as a tool for managing my anxiety, I can say I did a pretty extensive amount of research before we adopted on issues we might encounter as adoptive parents. I used the issues raised in our MAPP class as a starting point and expanded my search from there. I read first-hand accounts from both the children's, the parents', and even the social workers' perspective. I read books by therapeutic and parenting experts. I read the "classics" of adoption, and so on. I even read some things that caused me to have a panic attack (a real one, not just hyperbole). It was all extrememly helpful to me once our daughters came home. It helped me to develop and adapt parenting strategies. It helped me to know I was not crazy nor was I alone. It gave me a starting point when looking for support and resources to help address my daughters' special needs. What it did not do nor could it have ever done, was prepare me emotionally for the experience of parenting traumatized kids. My own idealism and version of "all they need is love" prevented some things from sinking in, but also how do you ever prepare your heart for your own child physically attacking you? or for your child running away at 8 years old? or for your child attacking other siblings, students, teachers, etc.? or for the anger, fear and shame you yourself are capable of feeling that you never thought you could? You can deal with these things in support groups, in therapy, with your priest/minister, etc., but you cannot prepare for them. Don't get me wrong, I passionately believe that extensive, reality-based screening, preparation and training would help children AND parents and (along with funding for respite and out-of-home placements/RTCs when needed) would prevent a significant number of disruptions, but there is just some stuff that can only be learned through experience. Its sort of like the military -- it would be criminal to send troops into battle without the extensive training and preparation they receive in boot camp and in their specialty training schools after boot camp, but no one knows what battle will be like or how individual soldiers will act/react until they are in an actual battle. Only in this case, our traumatized kids are NOT the enemy -- they just act like it sometimes and we try, try, try our best to love them anyway and parent them in the ways they need to thrive. Maybe we should strike service medals for ourselves and our kids! :)

I never thought I would say this, but sometimes a disrupted adoption will probably be the best thing. I wish we had been more informed before we adopted a sibling group. It nearly destroyed our marriage and now my husband is going to prison because of false accusations of molest by our oldest daughter and after 5 years with us as the only parents they have really known, our younger kids have been returned to foster care because I wouldn't divorce my husband for something I really believe he didn't do. If we had only adopted the younger kids this wouldn't have happened, but we weren't given that option, and we wanted to give all of them a home. If we had been informed about reactive attachment disorder and given information about what to look out for... who knows. There were warning signs but we were committed not to give up on her. My faith in Christ keeps me going and I believe God will work even this out for good in ALL of our lives. I'm alone now... kids are gone, husband in jail, and I'm living day to day with a broken heart and shattered dreams. I'm 36 years old. By the time he gets home I'll be in my 40's. We will never be allowed to adopt again, and I'll be too old to be pursuing infertility treatments then... plus we won't have the $$$ for it anyway. Worst of all, he will have to register as a sex offender and have his picture on the internet and we will probably be ostracized from our community. All I ever wanted was to have a happy family. We chose to adopt a sibling group with an older child rather that pursue infertility treatments because we wanted to give a home to kids who didn't have one rather than forcing nature to help us create a biological one of our own. It didn't work out like we thought it would. I miss my husband. I miss my kids. I grieve for what could have been.