My last post was in response to a poignant series of questions by a reader who is struggling with some very difficult kids. In her response to my post, she elaborated that she had two tough kids, making the line-of-sight supervision even harder. She says they recognize the difficulty the mom has in micromanaging two kids, stating … “They use those fleeting unsupervised seconds (and I do mean seconds) to destroy property, act sexually inappropriate, etc. I am sure you get the picture.”


And then she asked:

Is there a light at the end of this tunnel? Is it going to get any better? Or does it just keep getting harder and harder as they get older and stronger and smarter? And do we as parents finally break, or do we get tougher and tougher?

Wow, how do I answer those questions? I am considered a maverick by some in the adoption/attachment community—too confrontational or too controversial. I guess I am controversial because I don’t sugar-coat our realities. I don’t make this stuff up, as you folks well know. Who in their right mind would make this up? And who in their right mind would sign up to take a feces-smearing, animal-abusing, family-demolishing kid? (Except maybe Cindy Bodie …) But we get these kids, and we commit to these kids, and then they systematically destroy all aspects of our family life as we knew it before their arrival. And we have every right to wonder, will it get better?


Sometimes it will and sometimes it won’t. If you are parenting a kid who has, by all indications, all the brain/physiology tools necessary to get better, it might get better. But if they have FAS or have other identifiable or diagnosable neurological impairments, it might not get better. And there is plenty of evidence to support the concept that trauma rewires the brain significantly so some of our kids’ behaviors that we think are about choices may in fact be faulty wiring. But choices most definitely come into play. Parents can provide EMDR therapy, and neurofeedback, and attachment therapy, and a stellar environment, and tons of love in spite of very unlovable behavior, and the kid still won’t change. I had one of those. And I am pretty darn convinced that she had many options she refused to embrace. She made tons of bad choices, and we were the ones who suffered as a result of her choices. (Sure, she suffered too, but she didn’t care … at least not enough to make different choices.)


My guess is that the reader who asked those questions is living with one or maybe two kids who may or may not get better, but I gotta say, it isn’t looking good. Not sure how long they have been in the family, but I wouldn’t count on any epiphany occurring any time soon. And that is SUCH a downer to have to say that … but that is my experience and the experience of many families with whom I have worked. When the kids are THAT invested in grabbing every possible moment to fight the system, they sure aren’t spending much time thinking about trying to get better.


I wish I had a different perspective, but I don’t … These kids might “get it” after they emancipate, but I wouldn’t predict an easy trajectory before then. In the meantime, the parents need to change what they expect to get out of this journey ... and start with The gift is in the giving.

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