My long-time friend Pat Johnston left an interesting comment in response to my genetics/environment/choices blogs. She discussed “goodness of fit” and encouraged me to read a newly released book Nurturing the Nature: Understanding and Supporting Your Child's Unique Core Personality by Michael Gurian.


First off, I would love to read that book. Trouble is I haven’t had a moment to read a book in eons. By the time I shut down my life at night there are not enough grey cells left to process anything even remotely deep. And reading during the day is a pipe dream. But it sounds like a great read… (Side bar here… the last book I read was An Unlit Path and it was only after it had been in my possession for months and only after I read other bloggers on adoption.com rave about it… AND only after I started it on a road trip reading with a penlight when I could do nothing else with my time!)


Secondly… I completely get the “goodness of fit” and I believe in it as well. (I blogged about it here.) There is no doubt in my mind that some placements clash because the parents and child are not a good psychological fit. BUT, having said that… my friends and I have had numerous conversations about whether or not Amy might have “come out differently” in a different family. Someone once said her landing in my family was like “getting dropped into the middle of the Kennedys!” While I cringe at the particular family clan to which we were compared… I get the drift. The Kennedys are a fast moving, confident and motivated group of individuals.


The consensus among my friends and within my family is that Amy would be Amy in whatever family she joined. (And we have birthfamily info that supports that conclusion.) Perhaps had she landed in a family with far less expectations, the parents would have had a far easier time than my husband and I did. But would Amy have accomplished more if less had been expected? I don’t think so. If anything, I think if left alone, she would have done less. Perhaps some will say that living up to our expectations shut her down, but I don’t think so. We successfully lowered our expectations to bathe, smile occasionally, and move… and we were still often disappointed. (That comment sounds more snide and cynical than I intend for it to be... it just is how I see it... Is it wrong to be disappointed that your child struggles with those basic aspects of life?)


I was more than willing to “understand my child’s unique core personality.” And I will try and read this book… I’m not giving my friend Pat a cynical, snide response to her suggestion. I do believe the dance between parent and child is real and has much to do with family dynamics. But I also think that for a parent to dance with a child there has to be something within that child that is willing to dance as well. If the parent wants to Tango and the child wants to Cha-Cha, maybe they should learn the Charleston together. But if the parent wants just to dance (any kind of dance) and the child wants just to sit and pout… that’s another dance entirely.

Here's an article on Goodness of Fit.


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